We agreed that remorse or a breach of trust is punishment enough and that wanting to do better is an excellent lesson learned. Children have lessons for us. When we trust them.
I made many mistakes in my early years as a parent. I still make mistakes. Punishment wouldn’t help me improve. I want to improve. It’s the process of nurturing what is needed within myself and within a relationship that yields improvement.
We all try daily to do our best. If we acknowledge this in our children, they grow to acknowledge this in us. Children are gracious. Grace is nurturing and inspiring. I aim to be a gracious parent.
Nurture + Nature = Maturity.
Nurture (loving guidance) and nature (time and essence) are enough.
I trust the process.
Above all, a healthy relationship is the greatest motivator and influence in a child’s life.
Regulation is Nurtured through Guiding Children back to their True State – Love.
The way children are governed and regulated is the way they grow to govern and regulate themselves.
If punished or shamed they may punish or shame themselves into submission.
If rewarded or bribed they may reward or bribe themselves into restriction.
An effective way to instruct a child to develop internal regulation is to lovingly hold space for their hurting feelings while steadfastly limiting harmful behaviour.
The child learns to survive frustration, grows in resilience towards hurt feelings, and thrives by trusting themself enough to steadfastly limit harmful behaviour.
The more often a child experiences nurturing in times of distress, the more easily they grow to nurture themselves and others in times of distress.
Parenting is an opportunity to reparent ourselves with love and trust, as we parent our children with love and trust.
Liberating our Seed
There is a long-standing tradition of scaring kids into obedience instead of caring them into understanding which renders them vulnerable and ill-equipped to live authentically, truthfully, compassionately, courageously, and considerately.
To dismantle oppression and prejudice in society, adults need to begin empowering and respecting children.
Scare: intimidate, coerce, manipulate, pressurise, punish, threaten, hurt, withhold security, or love conditionally.
Care: cherish, hold dear, be attached to, nurture, have great affection and liking for, provide treatment for, remedy, love unconditionally.
These two words describe the difference between punitive and conscious parenting and leadership techniques.
Both can effectively teach children/people to pay attention, but only one supports the process of learning to attune to the heart.
The latter may take longer and is much harder work but it yields long-term positive results for parent and child. Do you find yourself following, sincerely following, what you are coerced into or inspired by?
We all prefer to listen to what we have grown to trust. We trust what inspires us.
The danger for children who are trained to follow out of coercion is that they are easily misled and become codependent on others, making them easy victims or bullies.
Children who are listened to, learn to listen to those they trust and learn to trust themselves, making them less vulnerable to peer pressure or bullying.
How we nurture children and ourselves today, nurtures the adults of tomorrow. Nurturing people nurture people. We are all strengthened through gentleness. We grow resilient in restful relationships. Our hearts and homes become fertile soil for everlasting growth.
Synergy Parenting Resources
South Africa
Lelia Schott is a South African mother to four sons and two daughters (aged 22, 20, 18, 15, 8 and 5). Lelia is a certified parent coach, unschooler, independent researcher, writer, dreamer, peaceful parenting and child advocate, lover of nature, music and exercise. On her best days she can be found with her family in the garden, swimming or walking along the beach.
