A Mother’s Loss, A Mother’s Love

By Sally Saint.

Trigger warning: This piece discusses miscarriage. 

As women we are blessed to be able to carry a new life inside of us and give birth to this beautiful being. We are also given many life lessons in love, and when we withhold it we feel the deepest of pain.

I am mother to amazing boy, who is 7 and thriving. I am also mother to a child in spirit and it recently came up, with the blue moon and a hugely intense period, how much healing I had to do in order to allow the love to flow to myself and my child.

Many, many years ago my life was a series of traumas and it is with this knowledge and experience I have been called to reach out to others and speak from my heart. To support and guide others on their life path.

This time it was my heart calling to me, to remember and reclaim. Nearly 20 years ago, I was helping care for my father, who was physically ill and mentally broken. I supported my mother do this task, and anyone with knowledge of mental illness knows how heavy and all pervading it can become in a home.

It was in this time I became pregnant and subsequently had a miscarriage. There are no words to describe how this feels, it is a pain like no other and mine was, like many women’s, silent. Mine was silent as my father was a strong force in the home, his illness dictated the tone of each day.

There are no words to describe how this feels, it is a pain like no other and mine was, like many women’s, silent.

So I lost my child in my room. I walked from there to an upstairs toilet, where my baby slipped out of my body. It was one of the worst times of my life. The silence as this little being left my body.

My relationship was not healthy and so this was my path to walk alone. I was not far into my pregnancy, but that actually is irrelevant to the love you feel.

I have always known I wanted to be a mum. I recalled with a friend recently, how I would hold my pet cat to my chest and pretend I was breastfeeding him. I would have been about 5 or 6, he was my first pet and I loved him. Mothering is part of me.

What has been my reclamation is allowing myself to heal and step beyond the trauma so I can allow the love to flow. At the time, my trauma got buried under a whole set of circumstances that never allowed for me to release it. It was like it never happened. So I buried it.

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