7. Practise with roleplays so that your child feels comfortable responding to teasing and provocations.
Roleplay with your child how he can stand up to a bully. Point out to your child that the bully wants to provoke a response that makes the bully feel powerful, so showing emotion and fighting back are exactly what the bully feeds off. Explain that while your child can’t control the bully, he can always control his own response. So in every interaction, how he responds will either inflame the situation or defuse it. Your child needs to avoid getting “hooked” no matter how mad the bully makes him.
The best strategy is always to maintain one’s own dignity, and to let the “bully” maintain his dignity — in other words, to keep your dignity while withdrawing from the situation, and not to attack or demean the other person. To do this, simply say something calm like:
- “You know, I’m just going to ignore that comment.”
- “I think I have something else to do right now.”
- “No thank you.”
Then, just walk away.
Teach your child to count to ten to stay calm, look the bully in the eye, and say one of these things. Practice until your child has a strong, self-assured tone.
8. When your child first begins to use technology, teach, supervise, and stay involved.
Bullying on Social Media is not so different from bullying in person; it is still an abuse of power. But there are some differences. Kids who wouldn’t be likely to engage in unkindness to someone’s face may be able to ignore the impact of their actions online, and thus may find it harder to resist bullying. When your child first begins to use social media, review it with them daily. Keep an attitude of curiosity, support and humour. Ask your child how they felt about their various interactions, what was hard, how they decided what to do. Children develop good judgment from interactions where they have a chance to safely reflect on the choices they made, and what happened.
Bullying on Social Media is not so different from bullying in person; it is still an abuse of power.
To prevent online bullying, teach kids:
- Never share your passwords, no matter what.
- Review privacy settings regularly with your parents.
- Do not share anything that could hurt or embarrass anyone.
- Never forward anything that could be hurtful.
- Being kind to others online will help to keep you safe.
- Remember that being mean online or forwarding hurtful messages is just like being mean or spreading hurtful rumours or embarrassing someone in person.
- Always come to an adult if something online makes you uncomfortable.
The good news about bullying via technology is that you have a record. So if your child does get bullied online:
- Document everything with screenshots and dates.
- Block the person.
- Report it to the school, with documentation.
For more on teaching kids to take care of themselves online, see: Cyber Smarts: Keeping Your Child Safe Online.
9. Teach your child that there is no shame in being frightened by a bully, in walking away, or in telling an adult and asking for help.
Bullying situations can escalate, and saving face is less important than staying safe.
10. Teach kids to intervene to prevent bullying when they see it.
Bullying expert Michele Borba says that when bystanders — kids who are nearby — intervene correctly, studies find they can stop bullying more than half the time and within 10 seconds.
The best interventions:
Partner with the victim and remove her from danger – Go stand with the victim physically, turn the victim away from the bully and walk her off in the other direction — towards adult help. Say “You look upset” or “I’ve been looking for you” or “The teacher sent me to find you.”
Get help – Bullies love an audience. Get the other kids on your side by waving them over to you, yelling, “We need your help.” Confront the bully: “You’re being mean.” Then walk away: “C’mon, let’s go!”
And of course, if you’re at all worried about safety, shout for a teacher or dial 911 on a cell phone.
Don’t give your child the message that she’s all alone to handle this. And don’t assume that if there isn’t physical violence, she isn’t being wounded in a deep way.
11. Teach your child basic bully avoidance.
Bullies operate where adults aren’t present, so if your child has been bullied, she should avoid unsupervised hallways, bathrooms, and areas of the playground. Sitting in the front of the school bus, standing in the front of the line, and sitting at a lunch table near the cafeteria chaperones are all good strategies for bully avoidance.
12. Don’t hesitate to intervene.
Your job as the parent is to protect your child. That means that in addition to teaching your child to stick up for herself, you may well need to call the teacher or principal. Don’t give your child the message that she’s all alone to handle this. And don’t assume that if there isn’t physical violence, she isn’t being wounded in a deep way. Despite the old rhyme about words not hurting, mean words and isolation are terribly damaging to a child or teen’s psyche, and research shows they can cause lasting negative effects. If the school cannot protect your child, consider transferring to a different school, or even homeschooling.
Originally published here.
Dr. Laura Markham is the founder of PeacefulParentHappyKids.com and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings and her latest book, the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook.
