- The Guinness Record Holder. Generally not a firstborn child, the Record Holder seems to be nature’s way of knowing mums with more than one child do not always have the luxury of sitting still for longer nursing sessions. This speedy baby gulps milk down in record time, popping off after just a couple minutes, while you are left cleaning up the mess from a breast that is now squirting milk in every direction like a cartoon hose.
- The Groper. Not one to keep her hands in one place, the Groper will roughly rub your arms and neck, or stick her fingers in your ears, nose, mouth, and try to poke inside your eyes as well. The Groper proves that nobody likes to be groped, even by a baby.
- The Milestone Hitter. This baby is ready to show off her new milestones. Unfortunately, she is ready to do them while latched. The Milestone Hitter loves to sit up while latched, to stand while latched, to clap while latched, to roll over, while latched. And worst of all, crawl away, while still latched. This nursing child proves it isn’t always fun to watch a baby take her first steps.
- Jaws. The Great White Shark of babies, Jaws is cutting his teeth and finds it very convenient to use what he gets his milk from as a teether. Like a viewer of this baby’s namesake film, you will find your heart racing and your palms sweating as you hear the ominous music in your head, signaling the upcoming shark attack. Unlike the film, though, you can’t fast forward.
- Mr. On-Again-Off-Again. This baby gives “on-again-off-again” new meaning as he pops on and off the breast every few seconds or less, distracted by a bird chirping outside, your dog walking by, a toy he remembers is nearby, or for no reason at all. While his breaking of the latch may not be as painful as a break-up, it still doesn’t feel fantastic, especially when teeth are involved.
- The Titty Twister. Enough said.
Supriya Kelkar is the author of the middle grade novel, AHIMSA (Tu Books, an imprint of Lee & Low Books, 2017). You can find her on twitter @soups25 or her website, www.supriyakelkar.com
