4. Calm partner takes the lead
The partner who feels more calm at any given moment (and this may be different at each moment) is bound to lead the change. If you sense you are that partner – consider yourself responsible for calming the other partner! Think connection first – eye contact, offer a hug, offer to give them space by taking your little one(s) off their hands, ask them how you can help them right now, what do they need right now? How are they feeling?
5. Calming in company
If you have a toddler or young child, you may be familiar with the technique of helping them get through tough emotions by first acknowledging and naming the emotion, showing understanding and empathy, taking a pause to calm down and only then moving on to discussing a solution. Surprisingly, the same applies to adults. For example, when dealing with an irritated or even angry spouse,, consider saying “You seem upset/anxious/angry/irritated. Would you like me to grab you a glass of water or do you need me to take over with the kids so you can take a break?”. Focus on sharing your calm rather than entering the other person’s chaos.
Put solutions aside, they can be talked about later when you are both calm and can think of them rationally and clearly.
The brain cannot physically think rationally when emotions are passing through, so trying to reason with a child or adult at this time is futile and understandably frustrating.
6. Agree to disagree
In the end you won’t always agree and you don’t have to. Choose the thing that’s most important to you and allow your partner to choose theirs. Honour and support each other in your choices even if you disagree, remember you are still on the same team, working towards the same goal (leading your little ones through uncertain times, calmly). Here is an example from work – if your supervisor asked you to work on a project that you disagree with, you likely wouldn’t quit your job (because ultimately you both care about the success of the organisation). Instead, you would try and be helpful while working on this project and try to understand why they feel this project is important. Do the same for your partner.
If you have very strong views – express them and ask to take the lead on the decision that’s important to you.
If your partner feels more strongly – follow their lead. Remember you are on the same team and it’s okay to support your partner, even if you don’t necessarily agree with how your goal should be accomplished. Ultimately, you both want what’s best for your little ones and what’s best for them is the solution that would keep you united, calm and confident.
Valerie Groysman M.S.W.,R.S.W. is an experienced Registered Social Worker, Psychotherapist based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. She specialises in pediatric sleep, infant and young children’s social, emotional and behaviour challenges (also known as mental health), attachment and parent-child relationships, as well as treating anxiety and relationship challenges in adults. Visit her website to find out more. Valerie is mum to one gentle, curious and adventurous toddler. When she is not supporting clients with sleep and connection, she enjoys training, learning and reading up on new knowledge, going to the movies, yoga and meditation, arts & crafts as well as outdoor activities with her family and friends.
