Add in the culture of shaming and making you feel like a terrible parent, such that many parents lie to their health professionals and pretend that they aren’t bed-sharing at all. Take a scroll through TikTok – you’ll see an abundance of young mums posting memes about hiding their bedsharing practices from their Health Visitor or Paediatrician. Again – I don’t blame them. This isn’t their fault. It is the result of a Western society insistent upon shaming bed-sharing parents and pedalling a story that bed-sharing is never safe. If you are given no education or information about how to do it safely, then it is driven underground. People feel unable to tell the truth, for fear of retribution. They feel unable to ask for help and advice. So, they forge their own path.
I did tell my Health Visitor. Her response was, “Are you doing it safely?”. I said “yes”, and the conversation ended. Afterward, she sent me a link to the NHS website and The Lullaby Trust (I’m based in the UK). As much as this is a great resource, let me tell you, you can go round in circles for hours trying to find the answers to how to safely bed-share there. But you won’t find them. They simply aren’t made available.
If you are given no education or information about how to do it safely, then it is driven underground. People feel unable to tell the truth, for fear of retribution. They feel unable to ask for help and advice. So, they forge their own path.
The unfortunate reality for many is that all of this takes a very real emotional toll on new parents. I was wracked with absolutely crippling anxiety. I would cry on the floor desperate for answers but not knowing where to turn. Tears streaming down my face with the painful guilt and worry that I was putting my child at risk night after night. How absolutely damaging this is.
Having spoken to other parents, I know that I was not alone in this. It is heart-breaking to know the unnecessary pressure this places on new parents, when they are already facing the biggest change to their world that they will probably ever face.
Failing to provide evidence-based information places children at risk. Failing to educate parents places their mental health at risk. They are left with crippling guilt, anxiety and an acute feeling of failure in those early days. A zero-tolerance campaign doesn’t work. We must do better.
Zoe Butt is a writer, a lawyer, a mother. She has a passion for respectful parenting and normalising biologically normal infant sleep. She shares her insights and tips, as well as raw, real-life experiences. Zoe is also a Children’s Book author and her first book will be launching in the coming months. She lives in Yorkshire, England with her husband, daughter and Cocker Spaniel. You can find her on Instagram @therespectfulmum – she would love to connect with you and chat.
This is so refreshing to read!! I am definitely guilty of hiding co-sleeping from my Health Visitor in fear or being judged when my confidence was already pretty low. Luckily my Sister-in-Law shared some tips to co-sleep safely. Without her, I would have continued (because it was the only way we all got some sleep) but likely in fear that I was putting her at risk.
Couldn’t agree more that resources should definitely be made clearer to ensure parents do this safely and with confidence!
I totally agree.
bedsharing should be discussed in antenatal and post natal care.
It should be presented as not the safest option followed by recommendations of how to do it safely if one does choose to bedshare.
I started on day 0 as my baby did not allow me to put him down at all when he slept. he definitely had a 0% tolerance approach to crib sleeping and was very vocal about it
I pretty quickly did my own research on it once I realized that he was staying in our bed
My little one wouldn’t sleep by herself either, and I was actually scared to leave her on her own too because it was winter and we live in a country with no central heating. I read all the terrifying articles, and panicked, and barely slept for nights as I checked my baby’s breathing constantly. I’m sure some of that is normal new mother stuff, but it definitely would have been good to have found more useful information about co-sleeping early on…