Now, with the two beautiful girls before me, it is also partly due to a terror of how my heart might implode with how much I love them. How insanely angelic and shiny they seem (at times). The escape is out of the fear of loving them so hard. And partly it is a shun of having something that good that I helped to create. My kids. And so that old familiar “I’m not worthy” plays out – especially when I feel I sometimes fail those everyday parenting moments where I could have done better, not yelled so much or pushed so hard. It is such a never-ending experience of extreme highs and lows that a big part of me wants to shut out, there is just so much to feel around them. In my better moments I notice that I am parenting from a place which isn’t so emotionally charged. Now there’s a clue. And sometimes that escape is because I am just a bit bored. I’m trying not to beat myself up so much for that one and practice acceptance.
I never thought of myself as much of a “kid person”, I was that girl at the pot luck or BBQ wondering when someone would put the kids to bed, so we could really have some fun and I didn’t have to watch my mouth so much (still learning that one). I think it’s OK to feel a bit bored with just hanging with the kids. As long as I still experience those moments of connection, which are becoming more important to me as I adjust to this parenting gig, even three years deep – and take notice of what I am being shown through all of this.
Now, with the two beautiful girls before me, it is also partly due to a terror of how my heart might implode with how much I love them. How insanely angelic and shiny they seem (at times). The escape is out of the fear of loving them so hard.
Acceptance. Of what is. Even if it’s uncomfortable and weird and I have to pretend to enjoy playing a game or reading a book for a hundrenth time. I’ve also known moments on the other side of that where I am enthralled in the beingness of my kids. The other stuff fades in the background. The projects, the writing, the deadlines, the meetings, the trying to create, make magic and birth my goals and dreams. Two little dreams and visions which are the glue to my world are before me in the everyday. I am starting to understand the importance of this. And I know the other stuff can serve as a distraction as well as an extension of myself for the betterment of our family. I want to see these visions out for them. It’s a balancing act and I know we are all working on it.
With regards to all.of.the.things, the little side projects, websites, articles, classes and workshops – the stuff that excites and enlivens me – all in sweet, sweet time. I have this rushed feeling of getting to the other side with a lot of it, with winning or finishing some kind of race. But lately I have been thinking about what if it’s all about the proverbial journey? As it all unfolds, more things happen that seem to have meaningful impact. The right kind of people turn up, collaboration begins. I am enjoying not carrying the entire load of my ideas and dreams but letting others in to co-create and to begin a community around my ideas. Like my parent/baby/kids dance class. Or the website platform I am always building which showcases local holistic and alternative therapies. The kick I get out of those things is when others jump on board. And that takes a beautifully designed leap of faith that it is all working out in its own time.
The snippets I spend here and there will all count one day; one day the kids won’t need me so much. I will have more time over here, where I am always trying to bounce to. Right now, it’s true. These moments are precious, they don’t come around again. This is enough. It might mean I have to address, face, sit with, and accept myself a bit more, but I know that it is a journey worth taking up.
Georgia Todd is a mama to two beautiful girls in the deep south of Queenstown. She is passionate about conscious community and connection, Turkish delight, incense, and is happiest dancing to loud soul filling music with her two girls and partner. She runs Spiritual Seekers Guide to Queenstown & Surrounds and is also very passionate about PND activism and is working on a piece around this called ‘Sleeping through the Night.’ @mamawithnofilta / @spiritualseekerqt.
