I started to notice the unique qualities and personalities that each of my sons possessed. My eldest, for instance, loves coming shopping with me. I initially assumed this was something I would only share with a daughter, but here he was, my little shopping buddy, sharing laughs and creating memories as we stroll through the stores and chatting about what we find.
My middle son surprised me with his love for musicals and singing. We spend evenings together watching classic musical films, belting out tunes, and sharing the magic of music. It was a bond I hadn’t anticipated, but it brought us closer in ways I couldn’t have imagined.
And then there was my youngest, who loves nothing more than cuddling. His warmth and affection melted away any lingering disappointment I had about not having a daughter. I cherished these quiet moments together, knowing that our bond was just as special as any mother-daughter relationship.
Looking back, I realised that my younger pregnant self had been trapped in stereotypes and preconceived notions about gender roles. I had assumed that having a daughter would mean certain activities and connections that I couldn’t experience with boys. But the reality was so different, and it is so beautiful in its own way.
If I could travel back in time and speak to my younger self, I would tell her that love knows no gender. I would reassure her that the bond between a parent and child is a unique and individual connection that goes beyond societal expectations. I would let her know that the joy of motherhood isn’t limited to whether you have a son or a daughter-it’s about the love, understanding, and shared moments that make the journey so incredibly rewarding.
Sure, I still notice the girls’ clothes in the store and wonder what it would have been like to have a daughter, but it’s not a raw wound anymore. It’s more of a wistful “what could have been” thought that passes through my mind from time to time.
What I’ve learned, above all, is that the experience of gender disappointment is a complex and deeply personal one. It’s a journey that many mothers go through but may not always openly discuss. The emotions that come with it are valid, and they deserve to be acknowledged and understood.
Sharing my story today is my way of contributing to the normalisation of these feelings. No mother should feel alone in her journey, and no mother should be judged for the emotions she experiences. It’s crucial to find a safe and non-judgmental space where these feelings can be shared, explored, and ultimately, accepted.
Through this process of self-discovery and acceptance, I’ve found a new dream of motherhood. A dream that revolves around the love and bond I share with my boys. It’s a dream that allows me to parent from a place of peace, filled with the beautiful love that comes with the joys of motherhood.
In the end, what truly matters is that we can parent from a place of fulfilment so we give and receive love from our children, regardless of their gender. It’s a love that knows no bounds, and it’s a love that makes the journey of motherhood incredibly rewarding, no matter how different it may be from what we initially imagined.
Jo is an Attachment-based Psychotherapist who works in Perth and online, specialising in pre/post-natal and couples therapy, supporting parents as they transition into a new season of life. She understands the complexities of motherhood and is here to provide the guidance and support you need to navigate this incredible journey. Follow her at @ohheyparenthood or visit www.jobealey.com.
