By Dr. Laura Markham
“I don’t understand why you say not to punish transgressions. I get the concept of the bigger the transgression, the greater the child’s need is, but what if they really cross a line? Yesterday, my three-year-old threw a book because he got mad. It hit my husband in the eye and cut his skin – yikes! I removed him from the room, told him that was not allowed ever and put him in a thinking spot. Yes? No?”.
Yikes, indeed! Thank goodness your husband is okay. Most three-year-olds will throw when they’re angry. They have no idea how dangerous it is. As upset as you were, I’m sure your son was more upset than anyone else.
You’re right that your son needs to learn a lesson here. He can’t be throwing things at people every time he gets mad. The problem with removing a child to a thinking spot and leaving him alone there (i.e., giving him a timeout) is that it doesn’t help him with the feelings that drove him to throw the book to begin with.
This is a child who is getting aggressive when he gets dysregulated. Helping him learn to manage those big emotions is what will help him avoid aggression next time. Timeout isn’t the way to do that.
Here’s why. Under aggression, you will almost always find fear, and time-out increases the fear. Every small person has fears we can’t even imagine. A three-year-old who is grappling with fear may well get enraged about something, and might well throw whatever is at hand. That’s not unusual for a three-year-old, although of course it can be dangerous, as your son just learned, and of course we tell him that throwing things at people is not allowed, ever, just as you did.
The problem with removing a child to a thinking spot and leaving him alone there (i.e., giving him a timeout) is that it doesn’t help him with the feelings that drove him to throw the book to begin with.
But your son knows by now (and certainly after hurting his dad) that throwing can hurt someone. What he needs is help from you to manage the feelings that drive him to throw, even though he knew the behaviour was off-limits and hurtful. What he needs is an alternative to express his anger appropriately in those inevitable times when the world doesn’t go his way.
I’m wondering what happened inside your son once he was in the thinking spot. If I were him, I would have felt very afraid for my father, worried that I was a terrible person who was capable of horrific harm, unable to control myself, so bad I had to be removed and could not even make up with my dad. I would see myself as so powerful that I could bloody my invincible father, which would be a terrifying idea. That shame and fear would be so much that I might well push it away (as we all do with uncomfortable feelings) by going numb and looking like I didn’t care. Or by getting even more angry. (Anger is a defence against fear, grief, powerlessness and other emotions that make us feel vulnerable). I might well sit there justifying what I had done, telling myself why I was right.
That’s what any normal kid does in timeout. They don’t use the time considering how to become a better person, and even if they do, the result is to stuff the feelings that led them to lash out to begin with. (Here’s a whole article about Timeouts). And now there is an extra overlay of shame and fear. Next time, he might find himself even more overwhelmed by these feelings. OR, he may manage them in relation to his dad, but may begin to act out in other ways, like hitting his brother, peeing all over the house or having nightmares.
But you can’t just let him get away with throwing things at people. What can you do to teach him a lesson?
What if you immediately tended to the person who’s hurt, which gives the clear message to your child that this hurt is a big deal? You even let him help. Hopefully, the focus on his father would be enough to shift him out of his upset and into concern for his dad. “Oh, my! Your dad is hurt! William, run get a washcloth and let’s help your dad”. You’re inviting him in, so that he’s part of the solution. He may have done a monstrous thing, but you’re communicating to him that he isn’t a monster; he can even be part of the solution.
Are you forgiving him too easily? No. He can’t simultaneously feel like a bad person and act like a good person.
Your connection is his motivation to face the almost unbearable truth that he did something that crossed a line. After all, if you withdraw your love, why should he do the hard work of taking responsibility? When you feel defensive, isn’t it harder to admit your mistakes? Your child is no different. (And yes, I know you still love him, under your fury, but he doesn’t know that).
Are you forgiving him too easily? No. He can’t simultaneously feel like a bad person and act like a good person. He acted in a way that was clearly out of the bounds of loving family relationships. Rather than shunning him, which reinforces his position as the bad kid, you step out to get him and bring him back into the embrace of the family. Without that reconnection, you can’t reach him, and any “discipline” will only teach him that he’s bad.
But of course you don’t just ignore what he’s done. You help him reflect on what happened so it doesn’t happen again. Once your husband is okay, you take a deep breath so you aren’t acting out of anger. You remind yourself that you’re helping your son with his feelings, not punishing him, because that’s what will best prevent this from happening again. You gather your son to you, very seriously and kindly, look him in the eye, and say: “Books are not for throwing. That really hurt Daddy, didn’t it?” Your son will most likely burst into tears, which releases all the turmoil going on. You say “You were mad, so you threw the book. That really hurt Daddy. That was scary. Daddy will be okay, but that’s why we don’t throw things at people”. You let him cry in your arms.
