Mum may already be experiencing worry over her belly size, weight or breasts changing shape. Making comments about her body (unless you’re her healthcare provider with a valid medical reason) can increase her stress. She may already feel concern about this and has been in dialogue with her doctor, or she may be struggling with body image.
Here’s what to say instead: “You’re so beautiful. How are you feeling?”
Alternatively, it’s okay to say nothing at all. It’s okay to let there be silence rather than try to make conversation if the alternative is a comment that isn’t helpful and supportive.
Anxiety and depression may be hard to understand. While the speaker may feel like they’ve ‘been there’ and ‘know what the other mum is going through,’ it’s important to avoid minimising what Mum may be feeling. [1]
What If You’re Asking?
Comments and questions about someone’s personal choices and situations are just that – they’re personal. Try to make sure the listener would be receptive before asking. It can feel intrusive to be asked something so personal, especially if you’re not close.
Ask yourself, am I really looking for an answer or am I just saying this phrased as a question to satisfy my own curiosity? And if I am the one asking, am I doing it from a place of love where I am seeking to understand and support this mum?
Being on the Receiving End of a Personal Question
What can you do if you are on the receiving end of a personal question? It can get tiring trying to explain and justify your decisions. If you have the time to, try considering where the person asking the question is coming from. Is he/she asking from a place of genuine care where they want to understand and be supportive? If so, that’s great! Ask for a moment to gather your thoughts if necessary, instead of immediately going on the defense. If you are caught off guard, or simply feel uncomfortable, just say, “I’m not going to answer that.”
Remember, part of protecting your mental health is guarding your energy levels and choosing what to spend your time doing with it.
If answering questions don’t feel constructive, you are allowed to say “I’m not going to answer that,” and leave it at that. As long as your choices are supported by your healthcare provider and both you and your baby are healthy and happy, that’s okay. You are not obligated to give an explanation to everyone.
Where We Can Go From Here
We can all try to be mindful of how we speak – even the mothers among us. Dr. Sandra from @the.mommy.psychologist on Instagram put it well by saying, “Sometimes (Mum) doesn’t want advice. Just a hand to hold and an ear to listen.” May we all have the courage to let go of our past mistakes with tact and move forward as kinder listeners.
[1] Lynne Choate, May 18, 2016, “What not to say to a new mom,” Norton HealthcareDr. Dawn Kingston, Canada’s leading expert on perinatal mental health and for over ten years, has been at the forefront of research on how to prevent postpartum depression. Her team has developed the HOPE App which is designed to significantly reduce prenatal anxiety and depression and directly support expectant mothers. They are studying it in a massive implementation study, one of the most ambitious projects of this type ever!
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