3. Let her be little
Sure, she can dress herself. And yes, your hands are more likely to be full, since you have a baby now. But that’s exactly why she wants you to help her. She needs to know that you’ll always be there when she needs you, even though there’s a new baby in the family. Once she’s secure that she can still count on you, she’ll be free to explore the part of her that wants to be grown-up and powerful, which includes nurturing and protecting her little brother.
She needs to know that you’ll always be there when she needs you, even though there’s a new baby in the family.
4. Keep your relationship balance in the positive
Research with adults repeatedly shows that healthy relationships need at least five positive interactions to make up for every negative interaction. Because kids live so much in the moment, and because we feel guilty about yelling, we often overlook the toll that our irritation can take on our relationship with our child. When you get irritable, make it a practice to apologise:
“You don’t deserve to be yelled at, no matter what…All of us need to express our anger in a way that’s respectful of each other… I’m working hard to do that, so you can learn to do it, too.”
Resist the urge to blame (so don’t say, “If you would behave, I wouldn’t have to yell.”). And then find a way to have at least five positive interactions, and enjoy your child. That’s what puts the sweetness back into your relationship.
5. Special Time
One-on-one time gives the child the essential – but unfortunately so often elusive – experience of the parent’s undivided, 110% attentive, loving presence. Just for maintenance, every child needs one-on-one time to connect with a parent every single day, even if it’s only for 20 minutes. When there’s more than one child, especially if one is a baby, that can be hard to do. But it’s worth figuring out, because it keeps your bond with your older child strong at a time when your child most needs you.
One-on-one time gives the child the essential – but unfortunately so often elusive – experience of the parent’s undivided, 110% attentive, loving presence.
If special time isn’t working to reduce sibling rivalry at your house, consider whether you’re giving your child your full attention and letting her take the lead. (Here’s a whole article on making special time work for you.)
And if you’re still struggling with sibling rivalry, despite daily Special Time, then be sure that most of your interactions are empathic and you’re giving your child explicit permission to express his tears and fears about sharing you with his sibling. (Sometimes kids just need to cry to show you all those feelings.). And here’s a whole section of articles on nurturing Sibling relationships, so that you can support your kids to learn to navigate the inevitable conflicts.
Bottom line: Connection supports your child through whatever challenges he’s facing and helps him thrive. It makes it more likely that your children will get along with each other as they get older. And it makes your child WANT to cooperate, rather than peeing on the baby.
In the end, it is always about love. Love never fails.
Originally published here.
Dr. Laura Markham is the founder of AhaParenting.com and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings and her latest book, the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook.
