By Lelia Schott
I don’t need my (inner) child to be calm, respectful or cooperative in order for me to be…connected! BUT SOMETIMES MY BODY FEELS LIKE IT DOES!
A little story about my earlier years as mom….
I remember the panic or defeat I felt in my body when my kids had lots of feelings, needs and behaviours that I was not permitted to have.
My body NEEDED my kids to be calm, respectful and cooperative for me to stay connected.
At the time, I believed it was my job to be calm 24/7 (what an impossible task for any human raising small humans).
I needed them to calm down so I could.
I didn’t feel safe (or in control).
I felt powerless.
I now know…
When we feel powerless it’s human to pendulum between being controlling (over parenting) or completely giving up or giving in (under parenting).
How I helped myself…
I learned a lot about human behaviour and development. (Head)
I practised a lot of intentionally compassionate and confident (re)parenting. (Heart)
I found somatic work to help my body rewire its earliest blueprint. (Body)
How that impacts me now…
My head knows it’s human for people to have feelings, needs and behaviour.
My heart desires to stay connected, conscious, confident and compassionate.
But sometimes, my body still freaks out and moves into fight/flight or freeze and fawn (appease). I can be disconnected from others when I’m in fight and flight and disconnected from myself when I’m in freeze or fawn.
I am so human!
🌞 I try noticing when this happens and connect to the parts of me that need to be seen or heard.
🌞 I try to remember that my children’s emotions, feelings, needs or challenging behaviour are rich opportunities to build trust and safety within myself, within them and our relationship! I like naming for myself how I feel or what I need and am curious about what they feel and need.
🌞 I prove to my body that it is safe by breathing more intentionally softening my face, relaxing my shoulders, standing up straight, looking around intentionally, finding movement or music to support my intentions and telling myself what a nurturing, peaceful, empowered parent would say.
The process of finding our way out of a survival or emotional state to a more connected (executive) state takes time.
You’ll have your way and I’ll have mine, but together, we can celebrate our best efforts to find harmony within, so we can support ourselves and loved ones through very human waves of emotions and experiences.