I want the kind of friendship that involves laughing together, crying together, traveling together, and not feeling the need to clean your house before your friend comes over.
I also believe part of the problem is the way we’ve structured modern parenthood. So many of us are isolated in our own homes facing the same problem: lonely parents and lonely kids. We can’t send our kids outside to roam the neighborhood with other kids anymore; instead, we are busy driving them to lessons and playdates in our precious free time. We have little time and opportunity to cultivate friendships with other families. If we do manage to get together with other parents, we are almost guaranteed to have our conversations interrupted every five minutes by a kid needing a snack, a band-aid, or a trip to the potty. We rarely have a chance to go deep even if we are emotionally brave enough to do so.
We also isolate ourselves by turning away from other parents and families because we judge them or fear their judgment. We back away because their rules on screen time are too strict or too lax; because they only feed their kids organic food or their kids eat too much junk food; because they are too tough on their kids or too lenient with them. A little more acceptance of the fact that many different parenting styles result in healthy, competent adults probably wouldn’t kill us.
I’m sure some people out there have adult friendships completely figured out. I don’t. I also don’t think that I am completely alone in being alone. I believe the lack of deep connections is our generation’s version of the “problem that has no name”. Our generation has come a long way since women in the 1950s and 60s who too often felt deeply unhappy and dissatisfied with their lives as housewives. That doesn’t describe us. We’ve built careers. We’ve redefined stay-at-home parenthood. We’re not deeply unhappy anymore, but we are lonely. When it comes to friendships in the era of modern parenthood, this can’t be all there is.
Originally published HERE.
Nina Palmo is a Nordic-born, Midwestern-raised, Texas denizen. She teaches sociology at a major university and blogs about attachment parenting, unschooling, alternative schooling, and intentional living at Raising Wildflower Kids. She lives in the Austin, Texas area with her husband and two daughters.
Great piece of writing, right on spot !
I knew I was surrounded by like-minded mama’s somewhere in the world! Thank you for pointing a light at the “problem that has no name,” Nina; great overview of the contributing factors.
So eerily familiar.
Thst sounds like my situation but I count myself lucky because some ppl don’t have family, and my daughter is happy and tbh when she came along it became about her rather than me.