5. Ask open-ended questions instead of lecturing.
Keep the conversation as safe and as light as possible. If you can share a laugh, you’ll defuse the tension and strengthen your bond, so remind yourself that this is a growth experience for both of you, and summon up your sense of humour.
- Was she aware of making a choice?
- What led her to that choice?
- What does she think about it now? (“How did that work out for you?”)
- What were the good things about that choice?
- What were the bad things about that choice?
- Was it worth it?
- Did some part of her know that choice was a bad idea? If so, what kept her from listening to that voice?
- Would she do it again?
- Why or why not?
- How could she support herself to choose differently next time?
- What support would she like from you, so she can choose differently next time?
6. Resist the urge to jump in with punishments. Instead, help your child come up with a plan to make things better.
Explore and learn with your child, rather than assuming that you know what should happen now.
Once he isn’t being controlled by that unmet need or upsetting feeling, and he sees the result of his action (failed test, hurt sister, broken window, whatever), he feels regretful.
This is only after the feelings or needs have been processed, of course. But once they aren’t driving him, his “goodness” is free to come through. He naturally wants to make things better.
So you ask him:
- What can you do now to make things better with your sister (or with your teacher)?
- Did this incident show you anything in your life that you want to change, that’s bigger than this one incident?
- How can I support you?
7. Your child’s plan to repair what she’s “broken” should empower her to address her larger problem as well as make up for her poor choice in the past.
This is not about her being punished and losing privileges and being told what bad things are now going to happen to her. It’s about her realising that what she does has an impact, and taking responsibility to solve whatever problem she had in a more positive way. If you can avoid playing the heavy, your child can actually take responsibility, because she isn’t on the defensive.
In the example of the failed test, maybe she makes a written chart about schoolwork, and sits with you to do it every night, and asks the teacher for extra credit work to do. She might also need to turn off her phone for a certain number of hours during homework time every evening, which she is now motivated to do because she sees that her phone is keeping her from focusing on her studies.
Is this punishment? No, not if this is the plan that she brainstorms with you.
In fact, if you help her actually follow through and partner with her so that she can achieve her goals, then it’s completely empowering and could transform her ability to achieve in school. Of course, she might not know that this is what he needs to be successful. Sometimes, you’ll make the choice to give her this support, not as a punishment, but because your job as a parent is to provide the structure to help her succeed.
If the bad choice was hurting her sister, then the reparations would be to the sister. All children have mixed emotions about siblings, but that means there is affection and comradeship in there somewhere, and even protectiveness. “How can you help your sister feel safe with you again?”
8. What if he says no repair work is necessary?
What if, even after you have done your best to listen and validate emotions, your child maintains that he doesn’t care if he failed the test and his sister deserved what she got? He’s still on the defensive. Say “I understand why this happened and why you made this choice…. but that doesn’t mean your choice worked out well. I know that when you aren’t so upset you would feel differently. Let’s give this a break and talk more later.”
Give him a chance to calm down. When you start talking again, start with empathy. That’s what helps him heal those feelings. “I can see that you’re feeling fed up with that teacher and that you feel like just giving up in that class.” And model taking responsibility, maybe by saying “I think some of this is my fault… I didn’t realise you were falling behind in class, or I would have helped you address it before now.”
Set a clear expectation that he does need to come up with a repair, and that you’re there to help.
Not addressing the problem won’t make it go away, but you have seen him tackle tough problems before and you know he can overcome this one too.
9. Step into your own power.
You as the grown-up have more power than you know in this situation. Your child is depending on your leadership, even if she seems to be resisting it. If she hurt her sister, it gives you an opportunity to address the obvious sibling rivalry. If she failed her test, it gives you an opportunity to consider your family’s overall prioritisation of schoolwork, and how YOU can support your child to manage it. When we give our children sufficient support, they usually rise to the level of our expectations. Some kids just need more support than others. Consider what kind of support would help.
