Ways to help a child feel safe to depend on you:
- never scold a child who asks you for help
- never shame a child who needs your help
- never “rub it in their face” that they’re not able to do something yet
Instead be ready to take the time to stop and support them. Find patience inside yourself to let them be “little” a while longer. As parents of any teen will tell you, it doesn’t take long before you wish you were back with a babe in arms looking to you for help and support and guidance.
Finally, do not be afraid that by inviting dependence now you are going have a dependent child forever.
Just because you carried your child across the concrete today because it felt a bit hot on his bare feet doesn’t mean that you’ll be carrying him down the aisle. Trust that, when the conditions are conducive, the desire for independence will simply emerge of its own accord. It needn’t be pushed, prodded, taught or demanded. One author put it this way: “Begrudging dependency because it is not independence is like begrudging winter because it is not yet spring5“. Allow for nature to do its work in the fullness of time.
See how Penny gets a different result from Jasper when she invites his dependence on her.
Story Revisited
Penny placed her hand on Jasper’s arm and waited for his attention. When she had his eyes she said quietly, “It’s time for swimming. Are you ready to go fetch your swimsuit?”
Jasper turned away moodily. “I’m not going!” he forcefully replied.
“Can you tell me more?” asked Penny.
“I don’t like it! It’s … it’s too …wet!”
Penny paused a while as Jasper turned away from her with his back turned. Eventually she said, “Jasper, shall we go together and fetch your swimsuit? I don’t mind helping you.”
After a long pause Jasper moodily nodded assent, and together they walked to his room. Arriving at the pools Jasper shrunk behind Penny and clutched his towel tightly around him.
“I’m not going in there!” he announced. “I don’t like it!”
Penny nodded. “I know you don’t like the water, Jasper. I understand. I also know that living in New Zealand by the beach means that it’s very important that you learn to swim.”
Jasper continued to shrink behind Penny, turning away from the water. Glancing across at the assembled group of swimmers Penny said, “Just give me a minute, Jasper. I’ll be back soon.”
Penny walked across to the swim instructor and chatted a while. Shortly, she returned.
“Jasper, your teacher has agreed it might be better if I hop into the water with you today. Would you like that?”
Jasper looked up at his mother in surprise. “You! Come into the water with all the other kids?” He giggled at the thought of it.
Penny smiled. “Luckily I have my swimsuit with me, today. I’d be happy to come in with you, Jasper. I know how you don’t like all the noise and splashing. Why don’t we go in together?”
Jasper scrunched up his nose and giggled again. “Okay Mum, that would be cool” he replied softly, snuggling up against her for a hug.
References
Bergin, Christi, and David Bergin. ‘Attachment in the Classroom’. Educational Psychology Review 21, no. 2 (May 2009): 141-170.
Boden, Joseph M., Jackie Sanders, Robyn Munford, Linda Liebenberg, and Geraldine F. H. McLeod. ‘Paths to Positive Development: A Model of Outcomes in the New Zealand Youth Transitions Study’. Child Indicators Research 9, no. 4 (December 2016): 889-911.
Dreikurs, Rudolf, and Margaret Frances Goldman. The ABC’s of Guiding the Child. Alfred Adler Institute of Chicago, 1986.
Neufeld, Gordon. Alpha Children. Vancouver: Mediamax Interactive Productions, 2012.
O’Mara, Peggy. The Way Back Home: Essays on Life and Family. Mothering, 1991.
‘Resilience – Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) in Minnesota’. http://www.health.state.mn.us/divs/cfh/program/ace/resilience.cfm.
Resnick, Michael D, Peter S Bearman, Robert Wm Blum, Karl E Bauman, Kathleen M Harris, Jo Jones, Joyce Tabor, et al. ‘Protecting Adolescents From Harm: Findings from the National Longitudinal Study on Adolescent Health’. Jounal of the American Medical Association 278, no. 10 (1997): 823-832.
‘Should You Pick Your Baby up Every Time It Cries? New Study Says “Yes”‘. https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/parenting/babies.
Adrienne Wood is a presenter, educator, parent consultant and mother to two adolescents of her own. She has a particular interest in children presenting with complex behavioural needs. Drawing on her training with the Neufeld Institute, she seeks to help parents better understand children and youth from an attachment-based developmental perspective. To learn more about Adrienne’s work visit www.heartsync.co.nz.
