What I hope this makes clear is that sharing behaviour is really not something children are primed to do. It takes years of knowing people should share before children actually do this on a regular basis. Our expectations for our children are completely out of whack with what they are inclined and capable of doing on their own. Does this mean that forced sharing is the answer? No.
Techniques for Handling Sharing
Although we can say that sharing is not a normal behaviour, it is something that we hope to teach our children and something that is often culturally expected of us.
In many cases, the fear we have isn’t about our kids never sharing, but the judgment from others.
These techniques can hopefully help you find ways to handle this issue both in the home and when talking to other parents:
- Put favourite toys aside for visits. If your child is old enough, have them help by going through their toys and picking out the ones they don’t want to share then put them away somewhere until after the visit is over.
- Have special toys for visitors. Toys that are inherently always known as “shared toys” may be easier for the child to share as they don’t see them as “belonging” to them. These go away outside visits and so they are exciting for all kids involved.
- Ask your guests to bring some toys. If the guests bring toys then each child will probably want to check out the other toys and this offers a gateway to discussing sharing without forcing.
- Don’t force the other child to share with yours. Modeling this for other parents is great for them to see it’s not just favouritism for your kids, but that you don’t want to set the stage for forced sharing period.
- Talk open and honestly with the other parent. Whether it’s because you forgot a special toy and it becomes an issue, or you see the sideways looks when you don’t force an issue of propriety, it’s okay to say something like, “I know this seems really weird that I’m not forcing it, but this is why…”. Parents may disagree, but the more clear and honest you are, the less they will be able to hold it against you because they see it’s not laziness or favouritism, but rather an actual plan of action. You may even convert a few people.
In the face of uncertainty and chaos, we can find ourselves struggling with our kids as never before. But we can find our way again. Right now at 70% off you can regain your sense of how to parent respectfully and gently, even in today’s climate. Sharing Control: A Course on Discipline Across the Ages.
References
[1] Paulus M. Friendship trumps neediness: the impact of social relations and others’ wealth on preschool children’s sharing. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology 2016; 146: 106-120.[2] Smith CE, Blake PR, Harris PL. I should but I won’t: why young children endorse norms of fair sharing but do not follow them. PLoS One 2013; https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0059510.
[3] Ulber J, Hamann K, Tomasello M. Young children, but not chimpanzees, are adverse to disadvantageous and advantageous inequalities. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology 2017; 155: 48-66.
[4] Wu Z, Su Y. How do preschoolers’ sharing behaviors relate to their theory of mind understanding? Journal of Experimental Child Psychology 2014; 120: 73-86.
[5] Paulus M, Licata M, Kristen S, Thoermer C, Woodward A, Sodian B. Social understanding and self-regulation predict pre-schoolers’ sharing with friends and disliked peers: a longitudinal study. International Journal of Behavioral Development 2015; 39: 53-64.
[6] Paulus M et al, 2015.
[7] Paulus M et al, 2015.
[8] Weltzien S, Marsh LE, Hood B. Thinking of me: self-focus reduces sharing and helping in seven- to eight-year-olds. PLoS One 2018; https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0189752.
[9] Smith CE et al, 2013.
Originally published here.
Tracy Cassels, PhD is the Director of Evolutionary Parenting, a science-based, attachment-oriented resource for families on a variety of parenting issues. In addition to her online resources, she offers one-on-one support to families around the world and is regularly asked to speak on a variety of issues from sleep to tantrums at conferences and in the media. She lives in Prince Edward County, Ontario, Canada with her husband and two children.
