As I sit here reflecting 10 years on, I can say that I do have one major regret about my motherhood journey.
My biggest regret of my motherhood journey is how I have treated myself.
I now have personal as well as scientific evidence that allowing the inner dictator to rule your life is not a great personal or mothering strategy. I now know that avoiding or trying to fix painful emotions just prolongs the suffering.
By turning away from my addiction to beating myself up, and to then access the emotion beneath has been transformational.
I have more space and peace. Far more presence. I am more attuned with the kid’s needs. I am far more aligned to my ideal because I am no longer feeding the unworthy stories.
Am I a perfect mother?
Nope. I make mistakes every. single. day. Including just this morning.
But now?
I don’t harshly judge myself. I am not anxiously seeking to fix myself.
Instead, I notice the shame arising. The sadness for a different outcome.
I feel into it but do not give any air time to the harsh, judgmental thoughts.
I get present through accessing my five-senses.
I dance.
I meditate.
I breathe.
I don’t run away from the difficulty. Or try to fix it.
And, this allows me to more quickly ‘recover’. To more quickly behave aligned to my values. To circle back and apologise and share my love with my kids. To be able to role model how to behave when we inevitably make mistakes.
And as for our daughter?
She is a truly incredible human (#notbiased).
She is strong and resilient.
She is kind.
She is funny.
She is thoughtful, courageous and sensitive.
She has so much zest and lust for life.
She is such a go-getter and her organisational skills are second-to-none.
She is my mirror for kindness and compassion when I cannot access it for myself.
She is a special human being.
And, as she turns 10, perhaps I can move away from the grief of not making the most of every moment, and celebrate what is.
Celebrate the incredible girl she is.
And maybe even celebrate that despite not being perfect, I have contributed to watering some of these qualities inherent within her.
Maybe it’s time to recognise that I haven’t done such a bad job, after all.
Belinda Haan is a writer, advocate, facilitator and consultant focused on re-writing the motherhood experience. She uniquely blends the best of science, philosophy and heart to support women in their transition into motherhood. She is the founder of the Motherhood Gathering which is an 8-week, evidence-based, nurturing mothers’ group focused on the mother. You can follow Belinda on Facebook and Instagram.
