By Sarah Noble
It started with brown blood on the toilet paper this morning when I went to the toilet.
It’s slowly gotten heavier and turned bright red.
I had bleeds throughout my last pregnancy, but they were all very minor and brown blood.
This is different.
I don’t know what’s going on, I can’t know, until I wait.
Wait to see what happens.
Wait to see if it settles.
Or, if it gets worse.
If pain comes.
If it’s a miscarriage, I’ll know.
Right now, I don’t.
I want everything to be OK.
I’m trying not to let my head get in the way, thinking of the what ifs.
I trust my body.
It knows what it is doing.
It’s wise beyond words.
I trust you.
I love you.
I’m in the unknown.
I don’t like it.
I’m not in control.
My mind wanders.
I flow between being OK and tears welling.
I just want to know, so I can grieve.
Or, so I know everything is OK.
But, I have to keep waiting.
I try to concentrate on Dylan, and rest.
I’m taking it easy on myself.
I’m trying desperately to hang on and believe the positive thoughts.
I know that my body knows what it is doing.
I know this is supposed to happen.
But, It’s still hard.
I need to protect myself, until I know for sure.