My Miscarriage Story

By Sarah Noble

I’m bleeding. 
It started with brown blood on the toilet paper this morning when I went to the toilet. 
It’s slowly gotten heavier and turned bright red. 
I’m scared. 
I had bleeds throughout my last pregnancy, but they were all very minor and brown blood. 
This is different. 
I don’t know what’s going on, I can’t know, until I wait. 
Wait to see what happens. 
Wait to see if it settles. 
Or, if it gets worse. 
If pain comes. 

If it’s a miscarriage, I’ll know. 

Right now, I don’t. 
I’m sad. 
I want everything to be OK. 
I’m trying not to let my head get in the way, thinking of the what ifs. 
I trust my body. 
It knows what it is doing. 
It’s wise beyond words. 
I trust you. 
I love you. 
I surrender. 

I’m in the unknown. 
I don’t like it. 
I’m not in control. 
My mind wanders. 

I flow between being OK and tears welling. 
I just want to know, so I can grieve. 

Or, so I know everything is OK. 
But, I have to keep waiting. 
It’s agony. 
I try to concentrate on Dylan, and rest. 
I’m taking it easy on myself. 
I’m trying desperately to hang on and believe the positive thoughts. 
Be optimistic. 
I know that my body knows what it is doing. 
I know this is supposed to happen. 
I know. 
But, It’s still hard. 
I’m retreating. 
I need to protect myself, until I know for sure. 

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