A lot of your baby’s urges are eminently sensible. If they don’t want to sleep in a separate pile of hay, trust them. They are here today because those urges have kept them safe over the generations.
Don’t expect to be up and making a moussaka on day 5. The feeling that you ‘shouldn’t’ be holding your baby is exacerbated when we live in a society which tries not to let new parenthood change our lives. Our bodies aren’t supposed to change. Our commitment to work isn’t supposed to change. Our ability to engage with political life and housework and social media isn’t supposed to change. Actually, throughout much of human history, mum isn’t going to do much of anything for a good 40 days. Someone else is making the moussaka, just as you would have once made the moussaka for them. We are supposed to be doing nothing else other than eating the food made by others (really doesn’t have to be moussaka), sleeping and being with our new baby.
2. They come to the breast for lots of different reasons and they usually have a good reason for doing so.
Just as parents feel they’ve failed if their baby doesn’t sleep in the separate pile of hay (aka fancy Moses basket that cost £75 and granny knitted a blanket for), they feel a failure if baby is at the breast ‘too much’. I have written elsewhere on the dangerous obsession of the infant feeding interval [4]. It’s dangerous for both babies and mothers. But we need to remember breastfeeding isn’t just about feeding and it never has been.
A phrase most breastfeeding supporters would like to evaporate from the planet is, ‘he is using me like a dummy’. No, dummies were invented partly because we forgot what breastfeeding was about. There’s not enough evidence to say for certain how dummies impact on breastfeeding [5] but those of us who work with breastfeeding families can see how the sucking action and latching can sometimes shift when babies use dummies a lot and there can be issues when mums feed less and milk supply doesn’t get the messages it needs.
If you just think breastfeeding is about food and calories (and “quick, measure the gap between breastfeeds!”) you are doing a nature a huge disservice.
If you just think breastfeeding is about food and calories (and “quick, measure the gap between breastfeeds!”) you are doing a nature a huge disservice.
If you just think breastfeeding is about food and calories (and “quick, measure the gap between breastfeeds!”) you are doing a nature a huge disservice.
If you just think breastfeeding is about food and calories (and “quick, measure the gap between breastfeeds!”) you are doing a nature a huge disservice.
If you just think breastfeeding is about food and calories (and “quick, measure the gap between breastfeeds!”) you are doing a nature a huge disservice.
If you just think breastfeeding is about food and calories (and “quick, measure the gap between breastfeeds!”) you are doing a nature a huge disservice.
Babies have jobs to do. They are helping you to form new breast tissue in the first few weeks. They are elevating your prolactin levels (the hormone that governs milk supply). They are stimulating oxytocin hormone (which is the hormone key in relationship-building and creating a sense of calm and well-being). They are increasing milk volume and altering fat content. They are reducing cortisol stress levels. They are facilitating digestion and the passing of stools. They are hydrating, regulating their temperature, feeling emotionally secure, growing brain connections, trying to get to sleep (which YES is one of the purposes of breastfeeding).
If you just think breastfeeding is about food and calories (and “quick, measure the gap between breastfeeds!”) you are doing a nature a huge disservice.
And you want to use an app on your phone to measure all those different reasons why a baby comes to the breast? You’re measuring fairy dust. Do you count all the times your partner cuddles you, strokes your arm, kisses you, smiles at you affectionately, communicates with you, has a drink of water, eats a snack, has a meal? You wouldn’t find an app for that and if you did, it would probably flag you up as someone needing some urgent assistance.
Stop thinking about minutes. No one can tell you a baby should feed for X number of minutes because we all have different physiology and our babies do too. Create your world around you so you can meet your baby’s needs in the way they are asking you to. Don’t try and mold your baby to fit into a world that has become obsessed with counting and measuring. If you know you are routine person and you are struggling with a feeling of ‘losing control’, give yourself a few weeks and see how it feels to trust your baby. Once your milk supply has maximised, you’ll have some options. Try and ‘control’ too early and you’ll find things go out of your influence in ways you can’t come back from easily.
Get help if things feel wrong – if breastfeeding hurts, if you’re not sure about weight gain or nappies, if you can’t work out how to meet your own needs for food and sleep. There are lots of people who will help out and we’re at the end of a phone or a Twitter account or Facebook page. But don’t confuse your baby behaving unexpectedly for something going ‘wrong’. Maybe no one told you what normal would be.
If we let normal happen it WILL make all of your lives easier in the long term.
You’re creating a little person who enters this world with their needs being met – we call it love.
References:
https://www.isisonline.org.uk/where_babies_sleep/parents_bed/
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17700096
http://www.llli.org/sweetsleepbook
After a career as a Deputy Headteacher in central London, Emma initially trained with UK charity Association of Breastfeeding Mothers (www.abm.me.uk), qualifying as a breastfeeding counsellor with them in 2007. She is currently their chair. She qualified as a Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC) in 2011 and combines a small private practice with volunteering at two groups a week and answering calls on the National Breastfeeding Helpline. You can find her on Twitter as @makesmilk. She spoke at the UNICEF Baby Friendly UK conference in November this year on the theme of responsive feeding. Her book, “You’ve Got It In You: a positive guide to breastfeeding” can be found on Amazon and from other retailers: http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B019JE5E44
