I can make space. I can let them in, rest my hand lightly on their backs and feel their soft breath as they settle next to me…
For a short while it became a routine of sorts, and one that we never spoke about in the daylight. I don’t know if she appreciated those small moments of togetherness we had there like I did or if she just tolerated them because she knew I was sick, and she’s gone now so I can’t ask. But when she died and I found myself unable to sleep again, I was grateful for the memory but also for its lesson.
You see most days I’m not a great mother, not like the ones you see on TV or read about in those same parenting magazines that say my babies should learn to self soothe. My temper is shorter than I’d like and I make more boxed mac and cheese than anyone should ever admit to. I am terrible at braiding hair or remembering to sign the thousands of papers that come home every day stuffed into four different backpacks. I’m much too distracted and I’m tired and I make so many mistakes daily that usually I lose count before lunchtime.
But at night? This is still something I can do, what my own mother did for me all of those years ago. I can make space. I can let them in, rest my hand lightly on their backs and feel their soft breath as they settle next to me and-if only just for that moment-help them rest easier in the knowledge that they don’t have to be alone. I know it’s not forever and their need, big now with little-kid troubles: night terrors and bed wetting and things under the bed, will evolve into bigger-kid need and likely then into the not needing at all, and it’s a prospect that both gets me through my tired days and terrifies me.
But for now I know this: for as long as I can I will help them sleep, even if it means that tonight, I don’t.
Liz is a writer, blogger, teller of stories, believer in truth, and mama to four. She shares her stories on lizpetrone.com and all over the Internet, and recently finished a sloppy first draft of her first book. She can also be found on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.
