I had recognised that spanking was a gateway to violence and punishing was manipulation but I didn’t have any other tools. I wanted to lead by example irrespective of my emotions or my children’s. I wanted to learn how to love and lead without doing harm.
I felt lost at sea because traditional parenting does not model self-regulation or emotional intelligence.
Society and the schooling system don’t teach any attachment theories nor do they positively model discipline or respectful communication.
It’s because I felt lost that I started seeking. I stopped listening to the doctors, pastors, and authors of parenting books telling me about how tough-love led to self-soothing. I was done with tough sugar-coated neglect. I wanted to live what I was trying to learn. I wanted to feel united even during disagreements. I started researching healthy relationships and child development independently. I finally found resources that resonated with my heart and mind and I’ve been practising ever since.
There is nothing daring about controlling and shaming little children into compliance. It takes courage to repeatedly respond with empathy and model the emotional regulation we want children to grow into. It takes courage to acknowledge our fear and pain and work at not passing it on. It takes courage to let go of control and hold space for compassion.
I love gentle parenting because it’s how everybody prefers to be treated. It’s how children learn best and deserve to be led. It is how we heal the wounded inner-child and grow our adult-self. It is authentic parenting.
Despite my many regrets, I don’t regret any of the times I chose my children or the time I’ve spent working on myself.
I know I’ll never be perfect. Perfect isn’t the goal. My goal is to grow in authenticity and attachment with my children.
No parent is ALWAYS conscious, gentle, positive, peaceful and authentic. We have to CHOOSE to be and practise moment by moment…day after day. The more we practice, the stronger we grow.
I’ll never give up trying to be more conscious, connected and compassionate in my thoughts, words, and actions. Sometimes it’s difficult to do in the moment and yet life is easier because it grows us resilient, restful relationships.
A daily reminder:
Be gentle with yourself.
Be gentle with your children.
Parenting can be tough.
Being a child can be tough.
We keep experiencing new things and need the practice to improve.
You’re doing the best you can.
Your children are doing the best they can.
We’re never going to be perfect, but we can always practise being gentler.
GENTLE
Is an Intention. A daily practice. A lifestyle.
It is a choice to keep learning how to feel safe and be safe.
It is the heart behind relational science.
It is the faith to keep rising as we raise children.
And the courage to keep healing so we don’t pass our pain along.
It is the understanding that being hard on children, or ourselves, does not make us stronger. People are strengthened through compassion and understanding. No matter our gender or age.
I’m grateful for the growing awareness, abundance of resources and rapidly growing conscious parent and teacher movement. I plan to learn and live and share as much of it as I can.
May we keep learning how to FEEL safe and BE safe in our hearts and relationships.
Love Lelia
Child advocate and Conscious Parenting Advocate at @Synergy: gentle parenting resources and Certified Parent Coach at www.leliaschott.com
Lelia is a mother to three adult and three young children. She is a life-long learner and teacher who lives in South Africa. Lelia loves time with her family, reading, writing, dancing and swimming in the ocean.
