Reassure her.
Tell her she’s doing a brilliant job. Not only has she incubated this tiny being, she’s now sustaining its life on the other side of her womb. Breastfeeding is a skill that she, and baby, need to take time to learn. In the beginning, for many women, it’s REALLY BLOODY HARD! Amongst our tribe, in the first month, there were cracked nips, bad latches, nipple pain, and general lamentations about how hard it is and WHY DOES NO-ONE TELL YOU HOW HARD IT IS?!?! But, because of supportive hubbies and groups like La Leche League, one of us fed for nine months, two for a year, Jo fed for 17 months and Lauren and one other tribe member are still nursing at 19/20 months and have no plans to stop any time soon. It DOES get better but you play a big role in helping her through those early weeks.
Know that it can take up to a week for her milk to come in but that baby is getting what it needs from her colostrum Reassure her that babies have teeny tiny tummies so no need for vast quantities of milk. If latching is an issue, help her by watching YouTube videos about different positions for feeding and latching (Lauren’s husband used to stroke her arm and talk to her to calm her if she was getting stressed with latching etc). If that doesn’t help, research your local LLL group and go along with her, or call them for her. With all these messages about breastfeeding being ‘easy and natural’ flying about, be that person who says that, actually, it’s OK if you take a while to reach that stage. Most importantly, if you know that she wants to breastfeed, don’t suggest using formula – it will make her feel like a failure when she’s already feeling vulnerable.
Lauren says: “Because of the nighttime cluster feeding in the first couple of weeks, for much of the night I was trying so hard to stay awake while feeding my newborn (I’ve since learnt about bedsharing which can enable mama to get some sleep, too!). I found this time really challenging and every day at about 4/5pm I found myself crying and worrying about the night ahead. My husband just listened to me patiently, wiped away the tears and hugged me. I shall never forget him being so present and supportive – it made such a difference.”
Don’t make ridiculous comments.
We’ve heard all sorts, thankfully not from our own husbands. Comments such as, “Your boobs are mine, I don’t want to share them” are not only misogynistic but utterly ridiculous – her boobs have a biological function and that is to produce milk and feed her baby. Sexual pleasure is a secondary function, yes, and the media had objectified them to the extent that their true purpose has been forgotten, but don’t be a part of that viewpoint. Comments about ‘covering up’ if she doesn’t want to; don’t makes jokes about her being a hippy; don’t question why the baby is feeding almost constantly at times – it’s normal (if you’ve done your research, as above, you’ll already know this, of course).
Protect her breastfeeding space just as you would her birthing space.
Avoid inviting guests around unless she’s absolutely sure she’s ready. For the first few weeks, it’s likely that she feels like starting every feed leaves her fumbling and exposed – getting into position, latching correctly, unhooking nursing bras, removing a breast pad… it’s all hard enough without having an audience.
That said, when you do have guests, or if you’re out in public, be there to help and make her feel secure – you wouldn’t have walked out of the room when she was giving birth and she may feel just as vulnerable now. For God’s sake don’t suggest that she ‘covers up’ – she has no need to; she’s simply feeding your child. However, if she wants to use a cover or scarf, be the one to hold it in place for her whilst she gets baby to latch and gets comfortable (both of us can’t stress enough how helpful this can be, rather than someone just watching you struggle – you’re in it together and this support demonstrates that!).
If you’ve done your research, you’ll also be able to help her bat off crap, unsolicited advice from family, friends and the general public – sadly, something that is no one else’s business suddenly becomes a hot topic when there’s a baby at the breast in the same airspace. Our top three unhelpful (and misinformed) comments are:
“Wow, he’s feeding a lot! Maybe formula would be better – it will fill him up for longer.”
“I have nothing against feeding in public but you really should cover up or go somewhere private.”
“God, how will you cope without anyone else being able to feed him?”
*FACEPALM* Some people don’t deserve a response but, if you can give one that is reasoned and researched, they usually tend to shut up. Other unhelpful comments and responses available here.
Of course, your partner may have no issue whatsoever with the above, especially if it’s her second, third, fourth baby BUT just be mindful of it.
Think about her needs.
We’re talking basic stuff here. Glasses of water, cups of tea, regular snacks. Going to work? Make sure she has the remote control, her phone and charger and anything else she might need close by – in those early days, mastering breastfeeding is hard enough without having to move during a feed.
Lauren said her husband simply taking the time to sit with her on the sofa while she fed or, if she needed to feed out of the room somewhere busy (due to baby being distracted between 3 and 5 months), popping in to check she was OK / keep her company was really nice. She adds, “He also went out on ’emergency’ shopping trips to get me nipple creams, healing breast pads etc when I couldn’t get out in those first few days and sorely needed something soothing for my newly feeding boobs!”.
Is she expressing? Wash the pump parts! Jo remembers Phil doing this for the first time (and many times thereafter) and being absolutely blown away: “It was such a small gesture really, but I was so grateful not to have to do it myself. Pumping was a royal pain in the ass – I didn’t enjoy it at all – but it was necessary for a few months. Not having the added chore of washing the pump parts (and the bottles we used) was amazing.” (Remember: no need to sterilise if only using breastmilk – hot soapy water is enough).
