By Lisa Smith, The Peaceful Parent
A few years ago, I went on a trip away from my family. I try to go away at least once a year and plan my business, challenge myself physically and recharge. So after 6 nights away I returned home.
My son (11 years old) was very excited to see me. In fact, he jumped out of bed and leapt into my arms! His smile was ear to ear and he couldn’t stop hugging me. He kept telling me he missed me over and over. I didn’t give it a ton of thought other than to register how nice it is to be genuinely missed by my son.
The next night, the three of us were laying on the couch and my husband asked me if I knew why my boy missed me? I said well, I’m not sure, other than he noticed I was gone and it made him feel sad. My husband (David) turned to our son and said go ahead and tell your mum why you missed her.
What happened next is a parent coach’s dream come true!
My son said, “well Mum, I missed you but more importantly I missed your rules.” I about fell over right there. I kept telling myself, “play it cool. Don’t have a big reaction or he will clam up.” So I simply said “really, tell me more.” He went on to tell me that rules help him feel calm. With rules he knows what to expect. Rules help him feel loved and safe. We talked about it for a bit and he said, “kids think they don’t want rules but really they do. Rules help us a lot. Even if we don’t want to follow them, deep down we know they come from a place of love.” Wise soul that boy!
Although I didn’t expect those exact words to come out of my son’s mouth, I cannot say I am surprised at how he equates family rules with love and security.
In our family, the few rules we have are derived from our family values.
For example, we ask our son to shower every night. He was VERY resistant to this idea when he was younger and actually thought we were asking because we were mean.
Once we explained the request to shower comes from the family value of our body is our temple. We honour our temple, we respect it and we care for it. One of the ways we care for it is to wash it daily. The light bulb went off, and he was able to understand the rule and the value behind the rule. As a side note, I will add that as a parent, rules born from family values are the easiest to reinforce from a calm and loving place.
