Taking these insights into account, Ann recognised that asking her children to play nicely or imposing consequences on them only addressed the behaviour, but not the feelings and unmet needs driving the behaviour. We explored some strategies for better meeting the children’s unmet needs that are driving their aggression and also some strategies to better identify and meet the needs in her marriage.
Ann has reported back her amazement at how well the new approaches have worked. She has developed more understanding, compassion and tools for meeting everyone’s needs, including her own!
Fostering the warm connection with your child is the best preventative measure. Practicing active listening when setting a limit or when children argue, plus using empathy, mediation and facilitating problem solving lead to greater harmony in the family system. When conflicts arise, if the parent can slow down the communication, this helps children feel more safe and secure, it lowers rather than raises their stress levels. Children can better access their logical thinking when they feel emotionally safe. They need more time than adults to process and express their thoughts, feelings and needs.
When conflicts arise, if the parent can slow down the communication, this helps children feel more safe and secure, it lowers rather than raises their stress levels.
Understanding that off track behaviour relates to unmet needs, can help you feel confident that identifying and meeting your child’s basic needs promotes their optimal emotional, mental and social development. You can confidently say no to children’s unreasonable wants, like going to the park at 8pm! But still meet their deeper needs to be warmly listened to, accepted and cared for in their grumpy disappointed state.
Genevieve Simperingham is the founder of the Peaceful Parent Institute – www.peaceful-parent.com
