Except the desire to get pregnant is big and overriding. Right now, this is the most important thing I feel I will ever do with my life. I am willing to go temporarily crazy, if it means there is the slightest sliver of a chance that a baby may be the result.
So many “don’t knows”. Yet so much magic that could happen.
Is it weird that I feel excited about this? Is that because this is my first time? I do know it may not work out the first time. It may not work out the second time. It may not work out ever, and that is one tough pill to swallow. I need to be realistic, while at the same time being positive and optimistic. How exactly a person is supposed to do this I do not know. We are capable of more than we realise.
I need to be realistic, while at the same time being positive and optimistic. How exactly a person is supposed to do this I do not know. We are capable of more than we realise.
But how cruel a twist of fates that if you do end up being unsuccessful, which can happen at any step along the way (perhaps you don’t make enough healthy eggs, or they don’t fertilise, or the embryo doesn’t stick, or you miscarry), you are already completely hopped up and sensitive and raging on the hormones, leaving you bloated and crying a thousand miserable tears. Only to find that you weren’t successful? That seems extremely unfair, Universe! Who designed this thing?
And yet…how miraculous that the mystery of creation can happen outside of your body this way! That this might be the only way you will become a mama – thanks to the wonders of modern science. Isn’t that an absolute riot? So I’m relishing in these new experiences, trying to hold fast to this moment, to today, and take it as it comes.
Like I said, so many “don’t knows”.
While it’s easy for me to be optimistic now and try to stay upbeat and positive, somewhere in those dark shadowy parts of my mind and heart, I do also need to be prepared for disappointment and loss.
That’s what I’m most afraid of.
I will be undergoing IVF in a last-ditch effort to conceive during Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. All I can say is – to all the brave women who have gone before me, who have lost babies, who have infertility, who have had unsuccessful IVF – I send you my deepest love. I am riding painfully close to where you’ve been before. I cannot understand what you’ve been through, and selfishly I hope I never do. I hope my path leads somewhere different. Wish me luck.
Hannah Schenker is a freelance writer, editor and regular contributor to The Natural Parent Magazine. She lives with a touch of magic in Golden Bay, New Zealand.
