Alpha by Defence
A child can also become alpha “by defence”. The child’s parents may be operating in the alpha mode, but still, it doesn’t feel safe to the child to depend upon them. This could be because a child feels let down by their parent in a frightening situation such as a car crash or the death of an important person in their life. It could be because the child experiences a sense that their parent is taking advantage of their weakness or is making fun of them. Maybe the parent uses their need for connection against them with words such as, “I will only give you a hug when you finish tidying up your room”. Or perhaps they use what the child cares about against them; “I will only let you have your favourite meal if you do your chores first.” These contexts can trigger a defence in the child against vulnerable feelings such as caring – a vital part of a healthy alpha expression.
As a result, the child’s limbic brain chooses the alpha mode to be the only safe mode to operate in.
Alpha by defence is common in highly sensitive children, including those with giftedness and those on the ASD spectrum.
How do I get the lead with my child back again?
Getting your lead back again with an alpha child is often a slow process that may require some personal growth in ourselves as well as great care and patience with our tamariki. The key is to find a place within ourselves that is both soft but firm at the same time.
Assume the Alpha role
Don’t be afraid to convey a strong and firm alpha presence in your relationship with your child. Gordon Neufeld says, “You are the kings and queens of their universe until they are strong enough to become their own.” If you don’t feel the Alpha in you yet, “fake it until you make it”.
In particular, never allow a child to feel they are too much for you to handle.
This means you must shift the responsibility for their many woes and concerns back onto your own shoulders. We are fond of saying to children “it’s your choice” and “you are responsible for your own actions.” While this approach works well with older children and teens who show signs of being ready to flourish into their own “grown-up” selves, it can be developmentally inappropriate for many children. They must not be given too much responsibility too soon. They might appear to be coping well, but underneath, the burden and anxiety can send them into “alpha by defence”.
Invite Dependence
Restoring a right relationship with our child involves not just taking back the lead, but allowing our alpha child to rest and to lean upon us. We can do this by inviting their dependence. In the story revisited below, Maria invites her daughter to lean upon her to help complete her science fair project. In the first story, Rosa felt the entire project was resting on her own shoulder. This meant her anxiety about the deadline weighed on her and left her forcefully trying to keep control of the situation. In the story revisited, Rosa’s alpha tendencies are still at play, but Maria does not allow Rosa to take over the situation inappropriately. Instead, she leaves her in control of her own project but not everything else in her world. When a child feels supported by us they are far more likely to surrender the lead role.
For more ideas on parenting an Alpha Child, you may like to investigate the course “Alpha Children” offered by the Neufeld Institute.
Story revisited
“How are you going on that Science Fair project of yours, Rosa?” asked Maria kindly, putting a hand on her daughter’s arm.
Rosa shrugged her hand off irritably and continued busily sticking down test tubes, and small cut out slips of information beside each with a frown on her face.
Maria walked around Rosa’s board. “You look like you’re doing some great work here, honey. I’m proud to see how well you can focus on your project all by yourself.”
Rosa looked exasperated. “What do you want?!” she sighed, turning on Maria with a sharp look.
Maria raised her eyebrows at Rosa’s tone. “I’m sorry Mum.” Rosa lowered her eyes. “It’s just that this is due tomorrow and I’ve got heaps of work to go on it yet.”
“Well darling, I have a form here from Ms Norton for you to sign that confirms this is all your own ideas, but I can’t see why I can’t help you with the sticking down of things. I already have dinner ready, so I’ve got time. Would you like my help?”
Rosa looked up gratefully. “Oh, would you Mum? That would be awesome. Then I can get on with checking all the other details.” Rosa passed the glue and scissors to her mother and took the form from her to sign, then scanned her bedroom floor. Turning hesitantly back towards her mother, she said, “So Mum… about dinner?” her eyebrows raised hopefully.
Maria looked up quickly and gave her a wry smile. “Absolutely not young lady. It’s important you have healthy food tonight before your big day tomorrow. There won’t be any takeaways tonight.”
Rosa wrinkled up her nose and gave a mock smile then turned away. “Well it was worth a try,” she muttered to herself and kneeled down to survey all her tasks once again. Satisfied she was well on track towards completion now, she sprung to her feet again and said brightly, “Thanks again for your help, Mum. I think I’m going to make it after all.”
Adrienne Wood is a presenter, educator, parent consultant and mother. She has a particular interest in children presenting with complex behavioural needs. Drawing on her training with the Neufeld Institute, she seeks to help parents better understand children and youth from an attachment-based developmental perspective. To learn more about Adrienne’s work visit www.heartsync.co.nz and follow HeartSync on Facebook.
