The especially tricky part is that your (and everyone else’s) force field varies in thickness and strength; they are inconsistent and imperfect, and most often invisible to others. If we could see them, we would notice that one person’s boundaries are thick and rigid; while others are thin, even permeable, or maybe non-existent. Even examining one person’s force field, we would likely find it to be thick in some areas, and have holes in other areas. There is no such thing as a perfect force field, but what is clear is that we all need one to protect our personal energy and wellbeing, and that we don’t want our force field to be too thick, such that no energy exchange could ever happen. And alternatively, we don’t want our force field to have lots of holes, or all of our energy would escape.
It’s often when two peoples’ force fields (boundaries) collide, the greatest resistance and friction occurs and repels them apart. This is often where people get triggered by other people or events, encounter conflict or strong emotions, and may become stressed or anxious. The choice then is to hold our boundaries firm and thus remain divided and impassable (which in some cases may be the best option), or else, someone must weaken or compromise their force field.
This is where having boundaries with some flexibility comes into play. We need to have good discipline to honour our boundaries, along with good judgement of when to compromise them. However, if we keep compromising over and over again, for anyone or anything that approaches our boundary, guess what happens? A little more of our energy escapes each time, and eventually our force field and our energy disappear. As you can imagine or may have experienced, once someone (let’s say a boss or colleague) becomes aware which team member has weaker boundaries, it is easier to consistently approach that person. This may be a reason why some people find that they are the one who is consistently “dumped on” with more and more work to do. The same is true for personal relationships (e.g., the family member who always answers the call / need). Also, if you are most often the one in a personal relationship who lets down their barrier and compromises, and the other person does not do the same, it is easy to become depleted, or even resentful, frustrated or angry.
Do I Need to Define Some Boundaries?
Every person determines (consciously or subconsciously) the boundaries in each area, and every relationship (professional and personal) in their life. Even if you think you are not setting boundaries, in a way you are. It’s just that you are either allowing someone else to define them for you, or you are setting them subconsciously. You may have heard the expression “You must establish your boundaries, or someone else will do it for you.”
Every person determines (consciously or subconsciously) the boundaries in each area, and every relationship (professional and personal) in their life.
If you are feeling stressed, overwhelmed or depleted energy, it is likely a good time to consciously consider your boundaries at work and in your personal life, and identify where and how to make some adjustments.
When doing so, please keep in mind that connection and relationships (healthy ones) are critical to our mental health and wellbeing. Focus on fostering relationships which are supportive and bring energy and joy. Look to introduce or tighten boundaries or limitations around relationships or activities which are draining or negative. Establishing and honouring these boundaries will create a protective force field for your personal energy and wellbeing.
If you’re not sure how to go about it, the main thing you’ll need to do is consider your priorities, and then identify your desired schedule and ways of interacting (or limiting interaction / time). Once you have your target boundaries identified, you just need to consider your “non-negotiables” or “sacredly protected” times or activities. Boundaries need to be flexible or relaxed at times, so the last part is important to distinguish and be clear about what you will not sacrifice when things get tough. You also may want to write some “why” or “so that” statements, which you can use to remind yourself (as well as others) as to why you need have these important times to yourself. And, you don’t even need to mention the word “boundaries”. Here are a few examples:
I’ve got to go now…I need some time to exercise and get a good nights’ sleep so that I can be fresh and productive for tomorrow 😊
I need some time to myself today so that I can recharge and be on my “A game” when I return.
Sorry I missed your call last night; I was having a device-free evening to relax so that I could be clear & focused today. Is there something I can help you with now?
Note: This article was originally published here and also published here.
Stephanie Sullivan is a certified Life Coach, Health Coach, NLP Practitioner and founder of Elevate Your Life Coaching PTY LTD. After 25+ years in demanding, high-stress corporate roles as a business consultant, then a corporate executive, she knows first-hand about stress and trying to balance career and parenting demands, along with personal needs and wellbeing. Now Steph’s purpose is supporting companies and individuals to achieve high-performance and goals / ambitions. She does this through education on the importance of self-care and other pragmatic methods to reduce & prevent stress, increase energy, productivity and wellbeing.
For additional info or to follow her:
w www.elevateyourlifecoaching.com.au or https://linktr.ee/elevateyourlifecoaching
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i https://www.instagram.com/elevateyourlife_coaching/ or @ElevateYourLife_Coaching
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e steph@elevateyourlifecoaching.com.au
