-
That children do not misbehave, but instead behave to meet a need.
Imagine if our fundamental parenting principle was that children do not misbehave. Imagine we were guided by the understanding that children behave simply to meet their needs. Our response would be very different. We would stop blaming, and instead help our children search for the underlying issue. We would take their behaviour seriously, rather than personally. We would trust our children. We would know they were innocent and competent. We would respectfully communicate our needs, and hear theirs. We would recognise that our disagreements with our children were a result of our needs conflicting with theirs.
Our relationship would be one of respect and warmth.
In Sam’s situation, he may have been so engrossed in his game that he simply did not hear his mum. Alternatively, his behaviour of continuing to play meant he had needs that might include:
- Competence. He is enjoying building the best sandcastle he has ever built.
- Relaxation. He has only been home for half an hour, and after a busy day he needs to regroup.
- Solitude and reflection. He is looking for peace and quiet after a day at school and after-school activities.
He did not “ignore” his mum. He simply behaved in accordance with his need at the time. If mum understands that there is no negative intention, but just innocent behaviour, she will change the way she responds. Her ability to look beyond Sam’s behaviour to his need will enhance their relationship.
Understanding Ourselves
Understanding ourselves – how we think of children; what we think their intentions are; and whether we could simply believe they behave to meet a need – will influence our relationship with our children.
To do this, we may need to look deeper. What has shaped our values, our beliefs, the way we react to our children’s behaviour? We may be influenced by the way we were parented, by our friends, our culture, or our partner. Books such as Parenting from the Inside Out, by Daniel Siegel, and When Your Kids Push Your Buttons, by Bonnie Harris, are useful resources in our quest to understand ourselves, and then to understand our children.
Originally published HERE.
Larissa Dann is a parent and parent educator, writer, blogger, and community worker, who hopes her work offers practical skills and insight into gentle, peaceful parenting. You can read more of her work at Parent Skills, or join her Facebook page.
