The deeper learning for the child does not come during the tantrum, but usually around 30 minutes after they have calmed down. It is at this moment you can readdress how the situation played out. You can ask questions about what made them so upset when it was time to get dressed, and it’s important to listen to what they say. You can validate their feelings without condoning their behaviour. At this time, you can address how it made you as the parent feel, not to shame or guilt them, but to help them learn more about how you process your own feelings.
You are modelling to your child that even when you are frustrated, you can stay calm and look for solutions.
It’s important to remember this is a struggle every parent experiences with their young child, and you are not alone. No parent can always keep themselves from feeling elevated or triggered in the midst of a power struggle, especially in moments you are pressed for time. Incorporate a buffer of at least 15 minutes into daily transitions, so you don’t feel as stressed. Develop a routine that works for both of you and implement tools as needed, such as an hourglass sand timer to use as a visual for when it’s time to go. Saying it’s time to go in 5 minutes is meaningless to a preschooler, but turning over a 5-minute hourglass will be a concrete visual. Another tool could be adding first/then into your language such as “first you need to get dressed, and then we can read the book.”
Keeping language short and direct will help the child understand expectations and outcomes being set upon them.
You and your child are learning together. It takes time for you both. It will get easier, then most likely harder again, as they start to reach adolescence, but you will have created a strong foundation for how to resolve conflict in the future. Children will learn from you ways to regulate their emotions. They won’t identify as being a bad person because they get upset; instead, they will understand that having big feelings is part of being human. They will have the tools and confidence to look for solutions when met with emotional challenges.
Originally published here.
Brent Friedlander is an Early Childhood Educator and Parent Coach with over 20 years of experience working with children ages 6 weeks through 6 years. After supporting more than 1500 families at a NAEYC Accredited Child Development Center, Brent opened his Parent Coaching practice. On a personal note, Brent enjoys playing music, eating good BBQ, and is a Season Ticket holder for the Portland Thorns women’s professional soccer team. To learn more about Brent or Parent Coaching go to www.love2parent.com.
