And if your child is acting up, sometimes keeping your sense of humor and setting the limit playfully is enough to help her feel reconnected, so she wants to cooperate. “Whoa, Girlfriend! Shoes don’t go on the couch! What do you think this is, a barn? Moooo….Mooo…..!” might be the perfect playful intervention to get your kid laughing as you take her shoes off and get her to make animal noises with you. Crisis averted, connection repaired.
(Please note: Tickling doesn’t seem to provide this release; it’s automatic physiology, as opposed to the psychological process that happens when mild fear releases through giggling. And tickling, even when children giggle, often makes kids feel powerless. The child may seem to be having fun, but she can’t HELP laughing. If your child begs for tickling, try “threatening” to tickle by moving your hand close but not making contact. That will still elicit the giggles, but they’re psychological, not physical.)
2. Cry
But what if your child is so wound-up that a playful overture would make him mad? Then he’s past the point where play can help. It’s time to cry.
Behind that anger, tears are already welling up. If you can help him feel safe enough, he’ll go past the anger to the healing tears that will wash away all his upset.
How do you help him feel safe? Compassion. Don’t take anything he says personally. Don’t let your buttons get pushed. Don’t feel that you have to “correct” his rudeness — there will be time for that later. Instead, get in touch with your deep love for him and summon up as much kindness as you can. Then empathise. “This is hard, I know….. You wish…. I’m sorry, Honey. I see how unhappy this makes you.”
He may yell back at you. That’s okay. Stay compassionate. “You must be so upset to use that tone of voice with me. What’s wrong, Honey?” If you can stay compassionate, rather than attacking back, he will probably burst into tears. Welcome them. Hold him, if he’ll let you, or just stay nearby. Don’t try to talk. Breathe and remind yourself that your role is to help him cry by providing an emotional safe space. Talking would shut off the tears, and he needs to show them to you.
If he stops crying, remind him of whatever limit is making him angry: “I’m so sorry we can’t do that right now.” As long as he’s crying, your goal is to tap into as much upset as you can, to help him empty that full backpack of feelings that have been making him so demanding or rigid.
Should you reprimand him for disrespect? Not now. Just create safety.
Later, he’ll probably apologise without prompting. If he doesn’t, you can have a conversation about how upset he was, and how hard it is to be respectful when you’re angry, and how you nonetheless expect him to try to express his needs and wants without attacking, just like you do, and how he never has to be rude to get you to listen to him.
I know, your childhood training didn’t really prepare you for this. You were probably told to stop crying when you were little–maybe not so sweetly. So your child’s crying may well make you anxious, ready to shut it down at any cost.
But emotions only go away once we feel them. Until we do, they’re stuck in the body, bubbling up and driving behaviour. So your child really needs you to accept her emotions and help her breathe her way through them. That’s the path back to her natural sense of well-being and connection, the only foundation from which she can choose to “act right.”
Your child can’t tell you this. But next time she acts out, you’ll know.
Originally published here.
Dr. Laura Markham is the founder of AhaParenting.com and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings and her latest book, the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook.
