I became highly independent, outwardly appearing to manage any upset or distress, but as research now shows, it’s the children who are not able to express their feelings that are the ones who are anxious and stressed.
I was left with a continual feeling of ‘not being good enough’ and a perpetual sense of failure and not fitting in – never quite living up to people’s expectations and a glass ceiling I could never smash.
Now as a therapist, I can make sense of the thoughts and feelings that I had never previously been able to articulate.
I was left with a continual feeling of ‘not being good enough’ and a perpetual sense of failure and not fitting in – never quite living up to people’s expectations and a glass ceiling I could never smash.
When parents are not able to tolerate ‘bad behaviour’, which often is viewed as crying, whinging, shouting or disagreeing, they can become emotionally unavailable to a child.
Parents shut down, ignoring or disregarding this as poor behaviour and an out-of-control child, but instead, we need to view this as a child communicating a need – a need that they are feeling overwhelmed. It is our job as parents to become a child’s emotional regulator.
When a child’s emotional pot is boiling over, we need to be able to give them the tools to help simmer down and explore what’s happening for them in that moment.
What are they thinking? What are they feeling? What are they needing?
This skill to be able to reflect these feelings, knowing your child can bring these to you and they will not be rejected but instead welcomed and emotionally ‘held’ whilst together you can unpack them.
When a child’s emotional pot is boiling over, we need to be able to give them the tools to help simmer down and explore what’s happening for them in that moment.
This is what shapes a happy, secure and self-confident child.
I’m a firm believer that majority of parents ‘do the best with the knowledge that they have’. It is with that, I feel fortunate to be in the position where I’ve been given the opportunity to process my own childhood. To learn and grow, not only as a therapist but to take my theory off the page and apply it in my parenting, in the hope that I can repair the cycles of insecurity.
It is self-awareness and knowledge which brings changes in entrenched generational parenting patterns, and I believe this is something that this generation is doing well.
Jo Bealey is a counsellor and parenting course creator. She runs her private therapy practice in Perth and holds virtual sessions. She has a special interest in attachment and runs pre-natal and post-natal parenting courses. Find out more at www.jobealey.com and contact her at hello@jobealey.com.
