That’s a bag of poopy diapers sitting two feet away from me. Right next to the other giant stack of laundry. It really smells like diarrhea in here.
I’m not a single mum. In fact, my husband helps out way more than the average husband or father. I’m not working minimum wage jobs, I’m not really disadvantaged in any way except that I am a working mother in the United States.
Here’s what I think is going on: this whole “having it all” business has been grossly misinterpreted by our society at large. The purpose of all that bra burning back in the 60s was to give women choices. You wanna have sex without getting pregnant? Cool, hit that. You’re pregnant but in no position to raise a baby (or were sexually assaulted and impregnated, or are pregnant with a severely ill or deformed baby, or any number of other scenarios)? No problem, you can choose not to have that baby. You want to go to work? Do it! You want to stay at home and raise kids? Great. You want to do a little bit of both? Groovy. You want to be stylish and wear makeup? Or frumpy and never wash? Hey, you do you.
Doing all of it at the same time was never the idea. By that definition, single working mums have been “having it all” for ages and yet society does not hold the single working mum up as the goal for women everywhere. No, no, that’s just what happens when you’re poor and have no choice. Except actually, that’s what happens to all but the very very rich when you encourage women to work and have children but don’t change any other part of the world they live in.
No woman (or man, for that matter) ever said, hey, you know what would be great? If I could get up at 5am, make breakfast for everyone, then get dressed (with heels, natch), drop my kids off at daycare, go to work for 10 hours, pick the kids up, come home, cook dinner, clean up, put the kids to bed, work in bed ’til midnight so I don’t get behind at work, then do it all again tomorrow on 5 hours sleep.
It’s like we all said hey, let’s change the narrative for women, but not change anything else. And then expected women to be so grateful that we’re allowed to have casual sex and work now that we wouldn’t notice that we’re being pushed toward an ever less attainable and less desirable goal.
We applaud companies for paying for female employees to freeze their eggs, but don’t push them to give women the space to have children during their actual child-bearing years and come back to work without losing their place in line.
Here’s what we tell women today: You not only can, but should have a career and children - because if you don’t, you’re basically a) lazy, b) weak, c) not a real woman. But also, you should do it without any support. Without government-paid maternity leave (what are you, a socialist?). Without too much childcare (because then you’re a shitty mum) or falling behind on the job (because then you’re a shitty employee - typical woman!). Without too much help from your husband (because then he’s a pussy).
We applaud companies for paying for female employees to freeze their eggs, but don’t push them to give women the space to have children during their actual child-bearing years and come back to work without losing their place in line. Instead of changing the systems, we tell women to lean in. Because of course, it’s our fault for not taking initiative. Fuck you. I’m leaning so far in I’m falling flat on my face.
And yes, I know, men are parents too and paternal leave is also important. But there is a very real physical component to recovering from child birth and to dealing with a new baby (especially if you’re breast feeding and are thus the only one that can handle night feedings) that we like to pretend doesn’t exist in this country. It’s okay to say that women may need more time off than men.
I really appreciate the realness and rawness of this article. I feel like women are told to “do it all” and “have it all” way more than men. We are supposed to have children and take good care of them but not act like it has affected us physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. if you work full time your judged for not being at home, if you stay at home your judged for not working, if you manage a way to do both your judged for not doing either full time. we reallly have to define this one for ourselves. but societal standards and narratives need to change. 6 weeks maternity leave is b.s. by the way, in other places they get 6 months to a year. at 6 weeks post-partum you haven’t slept, your boobs are leaking constantly and if you had stitches or other “work” down there it’s still getting back to normal. it needs to be ok for women and mothers to do whatever the heck they need to do for themselves and their families.