- The Judge. This nursing baby cannot keep his hands down by his side. Instead, the Judge insists on chopping his hand into your chest, neck, mouth, cheeks, eyes and nose like he is hammering a gavel, dishing out judgments more often than a listener of Serial.
- The Dental Hygienist. The Dental Hygienist takes her job seriously, attentively scraping away at your gums and teeth with her tiny but sharp nails, all while nursing, until there is barely any plaque left. Unfortunately for your teeth, there might not be any enamel left either when she’s done.
- The Mountain Goat. Frequently appearing in the middle of the night, or any time you are nursing in a side-lying position, the Mountain Goat is prone to painfully head butting you in the nose or cheekbones so hard and without warning, you’re going to be sure something is broken on your end. The Mountain Goat, however, is unaffected, and will continue to head-butt until he finds what he is looking for.
- The Lost Tourist. This baby can do wonders for your self-esteem. As she tries to find her way without directions, the Lost Tourist often tries to latch onto your belly in her half-asleep state. Because she thinks your belly is as big as your engorged breast. Ten months post-partum.
- The Serial Nurser. You never know when the Serial Nurser is going to show up, or for how long. He can be a newborn, nursing on and off throughout the day, way more often than the two to three hour intervals people tell you a baby will nurse, or he can be a 15-month-old, nursing every couple minutes through the night as he sleeps, pacifying himself while you dream of icing yourself.
- The Hawk. This young bird will dig her talons into the chasm of your diastasis recti or take the “handles” part of “love handles” quite literally, as she secures her footing by securing her claws into your sides. While your extra layer(s) of post-partum fat can help cushion the impact, the Hawk doesn’t feel satisfied until her prey screeches in pain.
- The Marathon Runner. This baby will pop off your breast at the most inopportune time, while you are still engorged. He will then proceed to hold your breast, which is now spraying everywhere, splashing his face, and everything in its vicinity, with milk, like an exhausted runner dousing his face with water mid-race. The Marathon Runner seems to be the reason burp cloths were invented.
This baby will pop off your breast at the most inopportune time, while you are still engorged. He will then proceed to hold your breast, which is now spraying everywhere, splashing his face, and everything in its vicinity, with milk…
- The Yogi. The Yogi is skilled at flexing his body into all sorts of positions, all while latched, yet I have found the Yogi’s favorite position to be Downward Dog, as he stands and bends his head down to your lap, all while feeding. Watching the Yogi at work may lead your mind to be more confused than at peace.
See next page for the rest…
