3. Empower your child by helping her keep “failure” in perspective.
Children create beliefs about the world from every experience they have. When things don’t work out as they had hoped, they often draw global conclusions. That’s why an observation like “I got all these words wrong” can easily become a conclusion like “I’m just no good at spelling… I’m not a good student… I’m dumb”.
Help your child reframe situations to see that any given setback is temporary AND she has some control over whether things will work out next time. “You’re really disappointed that you didn’t know these words. These are hard words, but it’s only one test. We can help you learn the words for next week. What could we do next week to help you remember the words before the spelling test?”.
It’s also helpful for your child to see that anything he or she isn’t handling well does not need to be a permanent condition. Your “power word” here is “Yet!” So you might say:
- “You just haven’t learned to spell that word YET”.
- “You aren’t as confident a swimmer as your friend is YET”.
Then, give your child as much support as necessary so that she can be successful — which is very different than doing it for her. Seeing that their actions have a big impact on their success helps kids try harder next time, instead of giving up.
Help your child reframe situations to see that any given setback is temporary AND she has some control over whether things will work out next time.
4. Empower your child by letting him overhear you saying something positive about him to someone else.
When you try to convince your child directly, he may resist what you’re saying. After all, he sees evidence to the contrary. But when he overhears you saying it to someone else, he begins to believe that it might be true.
- “He was so helpful today”.
- “I think he’s finding that focusing on his homework helps him enjoy school more”.
- “He and his sister are learning how to work things out”.
- “I just so enjoy being with him”.
- “More and more often, he does his chores without me even reminding him”.
- “I am so blessed that I get to be his mother!”.
Your child believes everything you say about him. And acts on it. What an opportunity!
Originally published here.
Dr. Laura Markham is the founder of AhaParenting.com and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings and her latest book, the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook.
