- Children who are always cranky and uncooperative usually need more sleep, more connection, a physical ailment addressed, or a safe opportunity to cry in a parent’s arms.
- Children who compete with siblings often need to feel more connected to parents, more “seen” and valued for who they are. (Remember, sibling rivalry comes from a competition for scarce resources — your love and delight in the child. Each one needs to feel that you could never love anyone else more.)
- Children who “don’t listen” have usually been trained not to take us seriously unless we yell; they’re asking us to calm down and connect.
- Children who lash out aggressively are carrying unbearable fear inside. They need to laugh (when they aren’t angry) to begin to melt the fear, and then, when they feel safe enough, to experience that fear in your presence. This will look like a tantrum, but will be followed by tears and then affection and cooperation.
- Children who are always rebelling usually need to feel more powerful, competent, and respected. They need us to listen and let them know we hear, even when we don’t agree.
- Children who disrespect us are showing that they don’t feel enough connection, warmth and respect from us. Often, disrespect is a result of parents yelling and indulging in their own tantrums.
- Children who lie to us feel afraid. What in your response is making your child feel so unsafe that she needs to lie to you?
- Children who keep pushing the limits usually need to know the parent is in charge and will keep them (and everyone else) safe — while still loving them. You show them this by setting limits clearly and firmly — but with empathy and understanding. Here’s your formula. In a warm voice: “You wanted X, so you did Y behavior…..I understand. And Y behavior is not okay. because it hurts (a person or thing.) You can do Z instead.”
Will your child be able to explain his needs if you ask? No, that’s why he acts them out! But here are 7 questions to ask yourself, that will help you decode, meet the need, and change the behavior.
- What is the behavior that bothers you most from your child? That behavior is an SOS.
- What’s the first thing that pops into your head about what’s behind this SOS from your child? (What need or feeling might your child be acting out? Connection? Autonomy? Sleep? Less criticism or control from Dad? More one on one time with Mom?)
- What actions could you take to answer your child’s SOS? Make a list.
- Notice how your own fear gets in the way of meeting your child’s needs. (For instance, if he’s suddenly talking baby talk, do you feel a need to correct him, or can you accept his temporary need to be babied and give him what he needs?) Breathe into that fear and let it go. Once we meet the child’s needs, the child can move on. When we deny needs, the child stays stuck.5. Make a plan to take at least one of the actions on your list, every day for a week. (It might be the same action over and over.)
- Notice your child’s behavior change. What have you learned about his or her needs?
- What will you do differently in the future?
Find the original article here
Dr. Laura Markham is the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How To Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends For Life and Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How To Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. Find her online at AhaParenting.com
