But I do think Druckerman is partly right about the skill of “waiting.”
We know that every time we exercise self-control, we build our ability to draw on it to meet our goals. So it’s true, as Druckerman asserts, that kids who get practice “waiting” do learn to tolerate waiting, to trust that the waiting will be worth it, and to learn strategies for waiting. There’s an important caveat, though.
Waiting only helps kids develop self-control if we’ve first observed #1 and #2, above. In other words, if the parent makes the child wait for longer than she’s developmentally able (not soothing as in #1), her anxiety about getting her needs met overwhelms her and she learns she has to scream to get what she wants, rather than learning self-control. And if the parent is yelling at the child to wait (as in #2, above) the child learns that it’s an emergency, which sabotages her attempts at self-control.
What’s more, the parent needs to be lovingly available to support the child so he can overcome the anxiety of waiting.
To take another example:
“You are so hungry, I know… The pasta is almost cooked… Come, let’s get the colander so we can drain it.”
This reassures the child that the food is indeed coming, and teaches the valuable skill of self-distraction (which is a primary skill used by preschoolers who pass the marshmallow test). If, instead, the parent snaps “Stop whining, you aren’t starving — I’m moving as fast as I can!” the child may experience the parent as withholding something he needs, and he’s given no help to learn to wait.
Does he learn that he eventually gets fed? Yes, but not without some anxiety along the way, which won’t help him resist that marshmallow. And since he experiences himself as frequently struggling against his parent, he has no incentive to stay open to parental influence — so why not take whatever marshmallows he can whenever he can?
The bottom line on waiting is that while we can encourage the development of self-control by empathically helping our child endure discomfort, it backfires if kids think we’re tormenting them. Luckily, life gives kids plenty of practice in waiting without our orchestrating it, because:
8. Children learn self-control naturally as they attempt to master their world
Kids develop self-discipline when they’re motivated by something important to them. Playing with other kids requires them to manage their emotions and impulses. Making cookies requires them to wait until the cookies are baked. Getting good at soccer requires them to practise kicking over and over.
Every time a child has to manage himself, he learns a strategy that helps him. For instance, the children who are able to resist the treat are proficient at refocusing their attention to concentrate on something else.
When the researcher leaves the room, they distract themselves. After one longing look at the marshmallow, a child will ignore it, instead pulling out the most interesting toy from the shelf. How did he learn this? By the repeated experience of wanting something badly enough that he regulated himself to get it.
Are you worried that your child might eat the marshmallow?
I have good news for you.
Mischel acknowledges that a “substantial subset of people failed the marshmallow task as four-year-olds but ended up becoming high-delaying adults.” Researchers are still conducting longitudinal studies to figure out how they did it. But we know that self-control is all about learning to regulate our emotions, which allows us to regulate our thoughts and behaviour. As Mischel says,
“We can’t control the world, but we can control how we respond to it. Once you realise that will power is just a matter of learning how to control your attention and thoughts, you can really begin to increase it.”
So the die is NOT cast at age four. The brain is like a muscle — it strengthens throughout life, depending on how it’s used. Parents who are emotionally responsive, set empathic limits, model emotional regulation, and encourage children to pursue their passions will raise self-disciplined kids, and that’s probably true regardless of whether the child passes the marshmallow test at age four.
Does it sound like the parents’ own self discipline predicts the child’s? You bet. But that’s another study.
Originally published here.
Dr. Laura Markham is the founder of AhaParenting.com and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings and her latest book, the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook.
