By Dr. Laura Markham
“My daughter was being so rude and belligerent. She was screaming at me about everything, so finally I just lost patience and yelled at her to go to her room. Then she burst into tears and sobbed and sobbed. Finally she recovered enough to say she was scared of going back to school. I hadn’t even realised…..” – Tara
When children are having a hard time, their feelings usually explode at the people with whom they feel safe — Us! It’s natural for us to get angry, reprimand, tell them to behave, or send them off to calm down.
But when kids act rude and belligerent, they aren’t trying to give us a hard time. They’re trying to send us an SOS.
If we respond by yelling, threatening, or sending them away to “calm down,” we shut the door they’ve opened, and leave them to struggle on their own.
Of course, it’s not unusual for a child’s belligerence to look more like a minefield than an open door — so this takes a lot of patience from you as the parent.
But it’s worth it, because your understanding disarms your child’s anger and helps her find her way back to you. That deepens the connection and trust you’re building with your child. It helps your child solve her problem. And it reduces future episodes of belligerence.
If we respond by yelling, threatening, or sending them away to “calm down,” we shut the door they’ve opened, and leave them to struggle on their own.
Here’s how to find your way through that minefield to re-connect with your child and stop the drama.
1. Calm yourself before you respond.
Remind yourself that your child is sending you an SOS. Naturally, you get triggered when your child is rude to you. If you can take a deep breath and stay calm, you’re modeling a critical skill for your child: self-regulation. Kids learn much more from what we do than from what we say. If your default tone is respectful, that will become your child’s default tone as well.
2. Set your limit — respectfully and gently.
Instead of a reprimand, point out very simply that his words hurt, acknowledge that he must be upset, and invite him to talk about it: “Ouch! You know we don’t speak to each other that way in this house. You must be very upset to use that tone. What’s going on?”
3. Be prepared for the dam to break.
Your child’s response to your kind invitation to talk will probably be to unleash a torrent of upset in your direction. You’ll get an earful about all the reasons her life is terrible, unfair, unbearable — and maybe even that it’s all your fault!
Now’s the time to use the time honoured parenting mantra: Don’t take it personally! We all say things we don’t mean when we’re upset. The good news is, she’s showing you all that upset instead of holding it inside, taking it out on her brother, or hitting someone. What she needs most right now is for you to understand how upset she is.
4. Empathise.
I know. He yells at you, and you’re supposed to empathise? But that’s what helps him feel safe to feel those emotions, which is what heals them. “Oh, Sweetie… No wonder you’re upset… I see…” Notice that you aren’t reinforcing the anger, you’re speaking to the upset that’s driving the anger. The anger is just a defense.
Resist the urge to talk him out of his feelings or minimise them. Of course, he’s over-reacting. He’s been storing up a lot of upsets. And maybe the real upset is something deeper, and he doesn’t even know what it really is. Your compassion is what makes it safe enough for him to feel those tangled emotions so he can move through them and let them go.
Resist the urge to talk him out of his feelings or minimise them. Of course, he’s over-reacting. He’s been storing up a lot of upsets. And maybe the real upset is something deeper, and he doesn’t even know what it really is.
5. If your child meets your empathy with more anger, stop talking.
Usually when humans who are upset really feel understood, they start to cry. But sometimes those feelings are unbearable and they verbally attack the empathiser. In that case, just stop talking and feel all that pain. It will show on your face. Take a deep breath. You don’t have to say anything to communicate your empathy.
6. Model taking responsibility by acknowledging any part of the upset that you contributed to.
“Oh, no wonder you’re so upset, Honey. I completely forgot that I told you we could finish that tonight. And now the time has gotten away from us. I am so sorry! How can we fix this?”
