Huh?
“Yes,” I said, “please blow me out the window. I’d love to go for a quick fly around the block.” My daughter, being curious, blew the biggest breath she could possibly exhale in my direction. I pretended to flail backward toward the window, but quickly regained my balance. She thought it was funny, so she tried again, harder this time.
Before she knew it, she’d taken five great belly breaths under the guise of blowing me out the window. Giggling and without further prompting, she told the hygienist she could continue.
All these child-friendly relaxation techniques engage the vagus nerve, thereby promoting near-immediate relaxation. Most children, of course, couldn’t care less about a vagus whatever-it-is. What they’ll know is that, suddenly, they feel better. It’s like magic! Important note: the magic isn’t always immediate or, well, magical–but any step closer to calm can feel like a win for the parent and the child.
One more breathing tip: as naturally as breathing happens when kids (and adults) are regulated, we all tend to hold our breath / hyperventilate / breathe anything but naturally when we’re upset. Practise these breathing techniques when the child is calm and fully regulated. That way, they won’t give you the side eye when you bring up “dragon breaths” while they’re upset. It’ll be familiar terminology for them.
More importantly, it’ll be a familiar body practice for them. They’ll have muscle memory, and it will come more naturally this way.
Why not just have them count to ten when they’re mad or stressed like many of us have been taught to do?
If that works for you or your child, great! For most kids, though, when they’re having a body response (yelling, acting out, feeling big things), they need a body solution. It takes some pretty strong presence of mind to remember to count to ten, much less gain the benefits by being in the right mindset for it. Even then, it may not work. I know it’s still not my go-to when I’m on the verge of flipping out.
Personally, when I try to count to ten, I often end up thinking, Great. Now I’m still mad, and I just wasted time counting to ten. No bueno. My body needs to feel safe and peaceful from the inside out.
Here’s why we often need body solutions, scientifically: when we’re emotionally triggered, the limbic system (a more primitive part of the brain) takes over and effectively shuts off the frontal lobe, where most of our rational thoughts live. The limbic system’s sole purpose is to keep us alive. The frontal lobe is where we can think about others’ experiences, offer compassion, and understand the consequences of our actions. The limbic system doesn’t understand that we’ll ever be all right again, because it’s not planning ahead-it’s trying to keep us safe in this moment only. Our goal, therefore, is to help the body feel safety so that our frontal lobe can come back and join the whole brain party. No one can talk us into safety if our limbic system is overriding it; we must feel it for ourselves.
Read more actionable, practical, and evidence-based peaceful parenting tips in Peaceful Discipline: Story Teaching, Brain Science & Better Behavior.
Sarah R. Moore is the founder of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting and author of Peaceful Discipline: Story Teaching, Brain Science & Better Behavior. She’s a public speaker, armchair neuroscientist, and most importantly, a Mama. She’s a lifelong learner with training in child development, trauma recovery, interpersonal neurobiology, and improv comedy. As a certified Master Trainer in conscious parenting, she helps bring JOY, EASE, and CONNECTION back to families around the globe. Based in Colorado, Sarah and her family spend much of their time worldschooling. She speaks French and eats Italian food like a pro! Her heart’s desire is to bring greater peace and healing to the world through loving and respectful parenting. Follow her on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, & Twitter.
