It would have been very comforting for me at that time to cry “Fed is Best!” with my sisters. I’d have felt validated. It would have relieved me of the massive guilt that was weighing me down…But you weren’t around and I took my trauma and went another way. I got educated.
I had to know why this had happened and no health professional could give me the answer. In a desperate attempt to ensure that this could never happen to us again, I learnt everything I could and sought support before having my next baby. And miraculously, this one thrived on breastfeeding alone from the very beginning. Nothing about my boobs changed between my first and second baby. My physiology remained exactly the same. And yet, I was able to feed my second baby totally and completely. The only thing that changed was the amount of knowledge and support that I had. Nothing more.
Am I glad that in our time of crisis, there was substitute milk available to us that helped keep my baby alive? Of course I am! But do I wish I’d formula-fed her from the start and never put her to the breast? Absolutely not! Do you want to know what I wish? I wish I’d met a single health professional who had even a basic knowledge of breastfeeding and how it works. I wish somebody had told me that the pethidine I’d been given just before she was born might make her really sleepy, that she might then not demand feeding and I might need to wake her to feed. I wish society hadn’t told me that it was normal for her to feed four-hourly and that a quiet baby was a good baby. I wish someone had taught me what a good latch looked and felt like and how to see if she was really swallowing. I wish someone had explained how I could tell if she was getting enough milk. I wish that anyone had told me that miraculous angels named breastfeeding counsellors existed, were free for me to access and would come and see me. They would have explained all of this and more, given me a shoulder to cry on and empowered me to turn this situation around avoiding the greatest of struggles.
I have many wishes. There are many things that could have been done to prevent the horrendous situation that we found ourselves in.
So before we dive straight into the formula tins, depriving our mothers and babies of all the wondrous health benefits and deep joy that a breastfeeding relationship brings and lining the pockets of the formula companies in the process – maybe we could try some of this other stuff first?
So before we dive straight into the formula tins, depriving our mothers and babies of all the wondrous health benefits and deep joy that a breastfeeding relationship brings and lining the pockets of the formula companies in the process – maybe we could try some of this other stuff first? Couldn’t we plough our efforts and our finances into ensuring that every mother has really good breastfeeding education before she even meets her baby? Couldn’t we make certain that every mother was referred to skilled breastfeeding support antenatally? Maybe we could support mothers to put robust postnatal plans in place that allow them to concentrate solely on feeding their babies. Maybe if we did all this, we might avoid the massive public health crisis we’re heading for.
I know you’re angry. I’m angry too. What happened to us was not OK and it never will be. But we can bring beauty from our sadness if we can only channel our anger in the right direction. Consider the fact that 81% of women in this country initiate breastfeeding. They want to breastfeed. It is a primal urge. By 6 months, only 1% of women are still exclusively breastfeeding. So something is going very wrong in the interim isn’t it? Couldn’t we support these women to achieve their goals instead of giving them a bottle of formula and telling them it doesn’t matter? They know it matters. They need our help.
To all the women out there who are holding on to guilt because breastfeeding didn’t work out the way they wanted it to, I’m so sorry. Please find somebody to help you let it go. You did not fail. You and your baby were failed, by a system that is not set up to support you. And it’s about time we all came together to change that.
Originally published on The Birth Hub.
Becky Young is a writer and mother of four. Her own journey through motherhood inspired her to want to support others with theirs and led her to becoming a doula and trainee breastfeeding counsellor.
