Limit the Time You Are Going to Sleep
If you have a child that doesn’t come cuddle, nurse or feed, then fall asleep, and you feel you have to spend time in the bedroom “trying” to help them to sleep, I recommend limiting that time to no more than 10-15 minutes or until you feel your anxiety rising. As soon as your anxiety rises, stop, come out, and just enjoy some time outside either doing something that will ease your mind when you next aim for bedtime or just relaxing. Often our stress stems from the fact that we have a list a mile long of things we hope to accomplish once our child is asleep; however, if we accept our child is awake and allow them space to play independently or be in a carrier on us and we get something done, we are alleviating our own anxiety and helping remove that negative association with bedtime.
In Practice
What does this all look like? For many, they can’t see themselves engaging in this because there’s so much anxiety around what needs to be done and when it needs to be done that the idea of letting go is impossible. We feel we have children who require us to help them fall asleep. Now, many children do require help in the form of cuddles, nursing, and so on, but the help is passive, not active.
Sitting and chatting with your partner while a baby nurses to sleep on you is very different than purposefully taking the time to nurse away from everything and feel that you must get your baby to sleep.
An average night of “letting go” would typically look something like this:
After dinner, bath, and so on, you get your child ready and get the environment ready. Dim the lights, turn TVs off, put some soft music on if you like that, and then allow baby to engage in some self-directed play or attach baby to you via a carrier while you pick something you want to get done. As you do your own work, you may be interrupted by a child that wants some of your attention and that’s okay. Step away and give yourself to your child for a few minutes (even 10) then resume what you’re doing. Even if you’re doing something in small bursts, you’re still getting further than if you weren’t doing it at all.
When you see some of the more prominent tired signs (regular yawning – not the first few yawns, slowing of play, etc.) then take the chance to relax in one room of your choice, perhaps with your partner, and be with your child so you can be there to offer the comfort needed to sleep. You may want to dim the lights further if you feel it’s needed. Now just be there with your child and your partner and enjoy some quiet, connecting time for everyone. If your child comes to you to cuddle, nurse, or whatever to help sleep, allow it and perhaps don’t even move to the bedroom. If your child struggles with too much stimulation, move to a dark room with some pink noise and just sit/nurse/rock your child as needed to help sleep.
If your child isn’t asleep in 10-15 minutes (or as soon as you feel anxious) then come back out to the main room and start on another task for 20-30 minutes then try again.
Even if your child goes to sleep 2 hours later than usual for a while as the negative associations are broken, it will be okay. It’s more important to create these positive associations with sleep for long-term sleep health than a couple nights where sleep may be a bit less and napping a bit greater. Over time, this will lessen and you can find ways to help get back to where you were in terms of a routine, but one where your child now trusts the sleep process and your presence there.
Originally published here.
Tracy Cassels, PhD is the Director of Evolutionary Parenting, a science-based, attachment-oriented resource for families on a variety of parenting issues. In addition to her online resources, she offers one-on-one support to families around the world and is regularly asked to speak on a variety of issues from sleep to tantrums at conferences and in the media. She lives in Prince Edward County, Ontario, Canada with her husband and two children.
