Step 5: Talk (calmly) about what happened. I don’t care if your child is 2 or 12, you can talk to them about what happened and what you didn’t like. Some people have suggested a child that’s too young wouldn’t get anything from this and needs to be corrected via harsher means. No. It’s even more important for a young child who can’t comprehend to not face harsh punishment, because that will be all that is internalised. If a child can’t understand a discussion of what was wrong, a child will not understand the purpose of punishment except as a means of love withdrawal.
Step 6: Talk about future options. You can’t just say “no” and expect your child to have it all figured out (kinda like the point of this article). Instead, you need to help identify what led to the behaviour and then how to fix it in the future, all the while knowing your kid isn’t suddenly going to be perfect at it (like you). But if your child is calm and knows you support him or her, this change will be easier.
I will say here and now that this is freaking hard. I’m not perfect at it, but I keep practising these steps knowing that they do get easier.
Some things that were triggering before have now faded to the stage where I can respond appropriately without needing these steps, but some things still trigger in ways that I am still exploring. And of course, some days and times we’re just more triggered than others so the same thing can be easy to cope with one day but not another. Being mindful of this and focusing on the everyday steps below can help.
But now what if you failed (yes, it’s a word we need to own again because failure is a part of life, not something to be ashamed of)? Apologise. Honestly and with all your heart, apologise to your child. Don’t try to excuse what you did, but be clear that you are working hard to change and you will continue to work hard to change. Don’t ask if they forgive you, but you can say, “I hope you’ll forgive me” and allow them to do so when they are ready.
Apologies from parent to child are essential and our kids need to know that we are not perfect either. Through our apologies, they can learn to both apologise and forgive, something that not all people are capable of doing because they were never given the opportunity to learn. Of course, an apology only means something if you really are actively trying to change.
A child who only gets apologies followed by the same behaviours time and again will learn that the apology is meaningless and that is not the lesson you want your kids to internalise, so please make sure that you are ready to forgive yourself and keep learning so that your apology is not lost.
Every Single Day
Most of us strive for the days where there’s nothing that’s gone horribly wrong and nothing has been outstanding either. How do we live unconditional love in these moments? It’s not often the bad or good that truly shape our kids, but the busy-ness in between that results in feelings of disconnect and just not knowing how much our parents love us. To combat this, there are a few things you can try to make a habit of to help live a life of unconditional love:
- Work on loving yourself. It sounds all hokey, but it’s true – it is really hard to love unconditionally if you don’t feel love for yourself. The main reason for this is that we are triggered by the things that we don’t like about ourselves that we will inherently see in our kids, and this can lead to those negative moments above. A daily meditation on self-love, therapy, or just practising self-affirmations each day can help you in this process.
- Set aside time to talk about good times with each other or what you love about each other. We do this at dinner. We make a point to talk about times we enjoyed with each other that day (even, or especially, if they were seemingly benign) or things we saw someone in the family do that we loved. Our kids feel love when they hear we loved playing cars with them or reading a book together. These moments can then become even more special as they realise we love this time with them.
- Set aside time each day. Ten minutes of individual one-on-one time a day is all that’s really needed, but if our kids see us make a point of spending time with them and making it clear we want to do this each day, they feel loved. This time is never to be used as collateral on anything and should happen no matter how hard a given day was.
- End the day with love. Depending on the age of your child this may be nursing to sleep, cuddling to sleep, holding hands, staying in the room while your child falls asleep, or just a hug and kiss goodnight. But make a point of doing this (or a valid substitute like a call if away) so that your child goes to sleep with the knowledge that they are loved.
Sometimes, it can feel like there’s too much to change so pick one and start there. Luckily, none of these are really that time-consuming and often just require a transition period of getting used to what you’re doing. Make notes to remind yourself and things should be easier, but this is probably something that will be a work in progress for a while and that’s 100% okay. We’re all works in progress and learning to enjoy the ride is just another way to work towards unconditional love.
Originally published here.
Tracy Cassels, PhD is the Director of Evolutionary Parenting, a science-based, attachment-oriented resource for families on a variety of parenting issues. In addition to her online resources, she offers one-on-one support to families around the world and is regularly asked to speak on a variety of issues from sleep to tantrums at conferences and in the media. She lives in Prince Edward County, Ontario, Canada with her husband and two children.
