When you talk with your child about this, you can use the example of building muscles by working out. You wouldn’t try lifting a huge weight and then give up “because I’m just not strong!” You would work at it until you met your goals. Similarly, your mind grows and gets better at solving problems and learning new things the more you practise. This way of viewing our brains is called a growth mindset, and it’s an essential antidote to self-judgment and fears about achievement.
This means that your most important job in supporting your child to learn is NOT to teach. It’s to connect! That’s what helps your child feels safer and more secure, less likely to go off the deep end when he struggles to understand something.
To decrease anxiety and increase cooperation, step back from evaluating your child in any way. That’s the teacher’s job.
Your job is to celebrate every step in the right direction, with constant encouragement for your child’s efforts.
So focus on actions your child can control: practising skills, persevering, managing their frustration when they encounter a challenge. (Challenges are brain stretchers!) Instead of pointing out which problems your child got wrong, focus on what they got right, and ask them how they think they can build on what they already know, so they can learn even more.
Next time your child insists that they just aren’t good at something — Math, for instance — You might say, “You just don’t feel comfortable with math YET! Do you remember how you used to struggle to draw a heart, but then you tried every day and now you make a great heart? Math is the same! A little bit each day will grow your brain so math gets easier and easier — and more fun!”
Empathise when it’s hard, and point out that heavy lifting is what builds mental muscle. Tell your child that you have seen them do many hard things, and you’re there to support them. What will help them do this hard thing? Having you sit next to them? Doing the first few problems together? Tackling one problem at a time, then putting on music to dance to their favorite song, then facing the next problem? Sure, your child might say they need ice cream to cope with math, and you may not agree to ice cream after each problem, but you may well let them choose a special treat when they complete their math assignment for the day. Over time, your child will gain more confidence in their ability to solve problems, and more frustration tolerance when things are tough. But for now, you’re just giving them support to manage themselves through their fear of not being good enough, so they can tackle the work.
Remember that you make the weather
Your own mood matters tremendously, so stay as relaxed as you can. If you get angry, your child is unlikely to learn much that day.
If, instead, you keep it fun, make work into games and contests against the clock, your child will respond to your playful mood.
Like most of us, you may have tried hard to be a good girl or boy and please the teacher when you were young. It’s important that you notice any tendencies in that direction now, and let them go, because they usually conflict with supporting your child. You have a different role now: to support your child through a stressful situation, helping them learn at the same time that you protect their love of learning.
If your child seems uninterested in schoolwork, remember that no child is lazy. All children want to master things and feel competent. So if your child resists schoolwork with you, remember that’s their anxiety about whether they will be smart enough to please you, and remind yourself to stay calm.
