We made it through the rest of the day together. Kind of. We were both a little off. Still, we played in the sun; we read stories on the couch. All our normal activities with a little bit of extra attention and love.
When bedtime finally came, she said what my heart had been holding onto all day: “Mummy, I’m still a bit sad about this morning. My heart isn’t all better yet.”
I realised it might help her to understand what was going on with us; to know her sad feeling was normal for a situation like this one. The repair needed to continue beyond the “standard” acceptable amount because the rupture had felt greater to her than a typical gaffe. At this point, it would be more important for me to listen than to “solve.” Talk therapy is powerful and healing even for kids.
With that in mind, I responded to her, “I hear you saying that you’re still upset about what happened earlier. I understand. I love you. Thank you for trusting me with your heart. What else would you like me to know?”
“Nothing, Mama. That’s all.” She’d said her piece. More importantly, she knew that I’d listened and had been open to whatever she might’ve needed to add.
This is how she’d find closure.
Knowing she was now emotionally ready to (briefly) listen then, I responded, “I hear you, sweet girl. Thank you. I want you to know that all families and people who love each other sometimes run into emotional speed bumps. You know how sometimes when we’re driving, we need to slow down and go over a bump that feels really big, but once we’re over it, we’re just fine? And that we’re still on the same road we were before? That’s what happened to our feelings today. An emotional speed bump. This feels hard, and it is. But we’re strong enough to make it over bumps like this one. We always do. And when we do, we’ll be even stronger together because these emotional speed bumps teach us what works and doesn’t work for our relationship-and for the relationships we have with other people. We know more now than we did before today happened.”
“That makes sense, mama.”
We snuggled. I could finally feel her relax into me. Eventually, she fell asleep.
Days like this are hard. And they’re completely normal in family relationships (as long as it doesn’t happen too often).
Together, rupture and repair form a cycle that can ultimately strengthen relationships if they’re handled properly, and without a disproportionate amount of ruptures in the child’s life.
The next day, our road continued much more smoothly. We were stronger for our resolution. My takeaway as a parent was to be more conscious of how my feelings manifest and how she’ll perceive them. Further, once I made amends, part of my work in our relationship was to forgive myself. We love each other well, bumps and all.
Even in the healthiest of families, relationships aren’t always easy. Therefore, it’s all the more important that we give our children the tools they need to navigate them well.
Originally published here.
Sarah R. Moore is an internationally published writer and the founder of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting. You can follow her on Facebook, Pinterest, and Instagram. She’s currently worldschooling her family. Her glass is half full.
