Since your warm connection with your child is the reason he eventually accepts and internalizes your limits, it’s critical to stay connected while you set limits. And guess how you maintain that connection? Empathy! Including empathy while you set limits, which keeps you connected even when you say no.
What does an empathic limit look like? Empathy is “feeling” the other person’s point of view. Setting limits is informing your child of a rule or expectation. Here’s how you combine them:
“You love running, don’t you?! You can run all you want in the grass. Streets are not for running; streets are for cars. You may hold my hand or I can carry you. You can run by yourself again on the other side of the street.”
“I see how mad you are at your brother. It’s okay to be mad, AND people are never for hitting. Come, let’s tell your brother how mad you are. I’ll help you.”
“Wow, Sara put up those photos from Saturday? That’s exciting. And the rule in our house is still that homework comes first. You can go online once your homework is finished. I know, it’s hard to wait! But it’s always good to have something to look forward to, once you finish your homework. That’s a good self-management trick.”
If a limit is worth setting, it’s worth being consistent about.
If a limit is worth setting, it’s worth being consistent about. There may be times when a new limit is necessary: “I have a headache and I can’t handle noise right now”, but in general your child shouldn’t be surprised by what you allow. Every household has different priorities; mine are Safety & Health, Respectful Relationships, and Values. Neatness and noise, not so much. Of course, your own limits will be based on what’s important to you.
Why should you have to prioritize and give up some of what you expect? Because your child is a human, and a developing one at that. She can’t possibly be perfect, any more than you can. And your relationship with her needs to be more about connection and discovery than about limits and frustration. Saying No too often undermines your relationship.
Which is, after all, the foundation of your child’s self-discipline!
Find the original article here.
Dr. Laura Markham is the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How To Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends For Life and Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How To Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. Find her online at AhaParenting.com
