HOW DO YOU SNAP OUT OF SNAPPING AT YOUR KIDS?
MEDITATION.
I can’t endorse meditation enough. It isn’t some mystical woo experience for hippies (at least, it’s not only this). It is for CEOs, parents, tattoo artists, motorcycle club members, teachers, presidents, and so on. It is for everyone. Meditation is simple in its most basic form. You focus on your breathe/mantra/object. You breathe. You are still. If you notice you have drifted off on a thinking tangent, you gently pull yourself back to your breath (or whatever your focus is). You do this over and over. A great App to try that offers guided meditation is called Headspace. Even just 10 minutes a day of this can create changes. And it gets easier and easier to become fully present without having to fight against thoughts constantly. Meditation changes your brain. Studies have proven how awesome meditation is for everyone. By meditating, you are setting yourself up for a calmer life. You will still get irritable and have those reactions start to bubble up, but with practice in meditation, you will be able to recognize that you are getting worked up and have the capacity to make a choice in how you will respond.
EXPECTATIONS.
These are killer. If you expect your 3 year old to be able to play independently for 30 minutes while you get work done, then you most likely will experience disappointed expectations. You are setting yourself for frustration. If you expect your partner to come home from work, clean the house, switch the laundry over to the dryer, all without telling this person that you want this done, you most likely will experience disappointed expectations. Starting off each day, each moment even, with realistic expectations will save you a huge amount of frustration. Even clearly communicating unrealistic expectations isn’t going to help anything. Expect the unexpected. Go with the flow. The best part about meditation is that it allows you to become more flexible.
COMMUNICATION.
With yourself. It is essential to constantly assess your emotional temperature. How am I feeling right now? Am I happy, patient, sad, frustrated? Label the feeling. This will help to accept it and allow it to dissipate rather than go on a rampage. You’re driving down the road and get cut off, you can say out loud or in your head, “That makes me really frustrated. I wish people were more respectful.” Rather than tailing them while flashing your lights or fingers at them. Communication with those around you is also important. Not communicating unrealistic expectations (“I know you are only 12 months old, but I expect you to sit there quietly for the next 30 minutes”), but communicating how you are feeling in a non-judgmental way.
PRACTICE.
You can’t expect to know how to do something perfectly that you’ve never done before (unless, of course, you have unrealistic expectations of yourself!). Allow yourself room to grow and practice. We all fall off the wagon at times. We all mess up. We all have an opportunity to make it right again. To own up to our mistakes to the person that we wronged. Even our children. To a child: “I was having a really hard time earlier. I felt really overwhelmed and I yelled at you guys. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I’m sorry. I’m working on it, and will always try to do better.” And saying to yourself that you will try to do better next time and then doing nothing but hoping for a better reaction the next time is also an unrealistic expectation. You can’t change and grow if you don’t put in the work. A seed in its packet will just remain a seed in its packet. A seed laid down on concrete will also, most likely, remain just a seed on concrete. You can’t expect it to grow and blossom if you don’t provide it with some tools and care.
There aren’t many get rich quick schemes when it comes to growth. You have to put in the work, be open to change, offer yourself a lot of patience, love, and forgiveness, and keep on trying. Meditation is probably the closest you will come to seeing quick results. Meditation reduces anxiety, boosts happiness, along with many other positive changes. It is also beneficial to acknowledge your triggers; is it hitting, whining, crying, messes, etc? Once you recognize your triggers you can become more aware during those instances that you might become reactive. Acknowledging this before it happens puts you one step ahead of that reaction and will allow you to stop and “detach” yourself from that reaction, so to speak. Like pulling Velcro apart. That reaction isn’t you, it isn’t who you want to be. That trigger isn’t an emergency (that fight or flight response makes it feel like it), it is just a behavior. Separate yourself from all of it and find your center; your calm space. A lot of times our triggers are the result of our own childhood unmet needs. Were you yelled at for crying? Were you punished for hitting? Did your parents flip their lid when you made a mess even if you were just playing? Finding the source of the trigger helps you to realize why you react the way you do; usually a fight or flight response that was developed in your own childhood.
So there you have it. Meditate. Assess expectations. Communicate with yourself and others (take your emotional temperature frequently!), and practice. You can do it. You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be you; authentic, open, empathetic, and kind.
Sam Milam is a freelance writer, advocate for children, and unschooling parent. She has been published online and in print. She is a kombucha-drinking mother of 2 from the Pacific Northwest who loves her Attachment Parenting and intentional living blog: Pocketful of Pebbles. She believes that united voices for social justice can have a great impact.
