Aggression amongst siblings.
To explore another example, the girl whose sent to her room as a “consequence” of calling her brother names and pushing him over will likely feel so consumed by the grief, anger (and possible shame) of the forced isolation that she’ll have little head or heart space to empathize with her brother’s feelings. The same will likely be true if the parent lectures, imposes a consequence of doing her brother’s jobs and is ordered to say sorry. These “consequences” do little to teach a child how to work their way through differences. She’s not being helped to take responsibility. She doesn’t gain the emotional support and guidance she needs to express her feelings and needs non-aggressively. She doesn’t learn any useful strategies for how to manage her anger and resolve conflicts non-aggressively.
And, in fact, the imposed consequence distracts her from the real interpersonal consequence of how her brother is now feeling and what’s needed to repair the connection.
Confidence in communicating well to problem solve or resolve conflict is what allows children to take responsibility and mend differences.
If the parent consistently takes the time to mediate conflicts calmly without judgment, this will help them both dissipate much of their upset resulting in a much greater chance of each child hearing and actually connecting with empathy to how their sibling is feeling. The children are helped to learn some good communication and problem solving skills. They listen, reflect what they hear, are guided to acknowledge the other’s feelings, share what they wish they’d done differently and work together to find a solution to the original problem.
When my children were younger and still needed my help a lot with their differences, I would often simply ask “what do you kids each need to come back to peace with each other?”, and more often than not, they would relax and go straight to expressing regrets, compromises and making amends. Other times the mediation would be very lengthy, but what an important investment in time.
Imposing consequences sadly attunes children from a young age to weigh up whether the action is worth risking the punishment as opposed to attuning to what feels right, to integrity and to how their actions truly affect others.
The child is trained to think “I know I shouldn’t do this because I’ll be sent to my room” as opposed to “if I do this, he’ll feel really upset”.
Talking things through with a kid to help them expand their mind and heart to consider the natural consequences of their actions, is so much more effective in terms of helping them build the necessary skills and meet the underlying needs as opposed to imposing consequences, which simply aims to motivate children through fear.
It’s instinctive for people of all ages to have an urge to resist those who threaten them. Parents can only discover a child’s potential for more willing cooperation and more positive social skills when they consistently model a truly respectful, threat free environment in the home. The same is true for teachers in the classroom.
It’s not what we say, it’s the way that we say it.
Parents often believe that the child is being reactive just because they don’t want to do what they’ve been asked to do (or not do) and that the child’s resistance to cooperating leaves a parent no choice but to bring in a warning. But in actuality the child’s lack of cooperation is often related to important needs that require attention.
Learning to identify when our child is stressed and frustrated and learning to notice when we’re stressed and frustrated are key elements of peaceful parenting. When a build up of stress blocks their mental clarity and their motivation levels, we need to temporarily shift the focus from trying to achieve tasks or solve problems to dissipating some of the tension in ourselves and our child. Maybe some quality time is needed, or some stress releasing fun and laughter, or to move in and become very present and caring when their upsets bubble to the surface in response to hurting themselves or you expressing a limit.
When frustration builds up for our child, this shuts down their clear thinking and they tend to react from the stress response of fight, flight or freeze. Fighting can sound like “NO!” and their flight can look like storming out of the room, running away and their freeze can look like completely ignoring you, turning their head away and often being nearly desperate for distractions like screens or sugary food.
The next time you’re tempted to threaten your child with a consequence, maybe pause and ask yourself, “what is my child feeling, what might they need?”, and “what am I feeling, what do I need?” Here are some possible needs to consider when your child digs their heels in and doesn’t appear to be very into the family’s team spirit.
Children often resist being cooperative when:
- the request doesn’t make sense or doesn’t sound fair
- the request is expressed with a tone that’s either too critical or too blasé
- they need more information but don’t feel comfortable to ask
- they fear negative repercussions if they “get it wrong”
- they need to again feel connected to and appreciated by their parent or the family in general
- there’s a build up of stress and frustration and they need some emotional release through crying, talking or play and laughter to get their energy back
- they have some more immediate needs like hunger, rest or finishing a project they’re engaged in
- they need to be given achievable steps to avoid overwhelm, set them up for success
- when they need their parent’s help in doing the tasks, maybe making it into a game
Parents want children to do their tasks. Kids just want to play!
Instead of repeating, nagging, criticizing, threatening consequences or raising your voice; centre yourself, go to your child, seek eye contact, be warm, even affectionate and inviting. A gentle touch or a little humour lets the child know that their parent is being patient and kind with them. Whenever possible, show interest in their world, whatever they’re currently engaged with before explaining what needs to be achieved or rectified and then calmly ask what they would suggest.
It’s overall the parent’s responsibility to take the first step to drain the tension out of difficult such interactions, thereby modelling respectful communication.
Genevieve Simperingham is a Psychosynthesis Counsellor, a certified Aware Parenting Instructor, parent educator, a blogger and public speaker. She’s been parenting with attachment principles from the beginning, her son is 21 and daughter 16. She runs the Peaceful Parent Institute in New Zealand and offers live and online events. Check out her website www.peacefulparent.com.
