What to do
Track your cycle. I’ve done this for a few years now and it has not only allowed me to capitalise on the times my libido is high but to validate the periods (pun not intended!) when it is naturally low.
You can track your cycle in your journal, focusing on your emotions and energy levels throughout your cycle. After a few months of doing this, you’ll notice patterns in your libido which will allow you to both accept your cyclic nature and plan for ebbs and flows in your sex drive.
You’re stressed and overwhelmed
Stress and sex don’t mix.
If you’re feeling like there aren’t enough hours in the day and are keeping several balls in the air, it’s likely that sex will be the first one to drop.
Our bodies weren’t designed to be worrying about 1034 things and having sex at the same time. Stress – particularly chronic stress – significantly affects your body’s nervous system, which can throw off the delicate balance of sex hormones, lowering your libido.
What to do
In this situation, rather than being proof of your failure as a woman, a low libido is a like the canary in the coalmine who alerts you that your nervous system may be in overdrive.
Consider it a sign to prioritise a little time to play, rest, feel joy, and laugh with an understanding that you deserve to experience these states and that they will add energy to every other area of your life – including in the bedroom.
If you find this hard, it may be time to examine some of your deeply held beliefs about productivity and worth. You are worthy of rest.
Resentment kills passion
One thing I’ve discovered is that it’s literally impossible to feel resentful and sexual at the same time.
In the past, this wreaked havoc with my libido because I was consistently resentful that my needs for time alone, understanding and help with the kids were not met. My resentment was amplified by the fact that I wasn’t letting myself fully feel my anger, letting my inner critic berate me for not being grateful enough for what I had.
After acknowledging my anger and its legitimacy, I began to speak up. This made things messy in our home for a little while but over the long term it has bought my husband and I closer together.
It also allowed him to speak up more about his own resentment and we’ve since gained a deeper understanding of each other’s individual needs, improving more than just our sex life.
What to do
Fully acknowledge your resentment, anger or rage in a private journal. A helpful way to give voice to these suppressed feelings is to write in the style of Julia Cameron’s morning pages from The Artists Way.
Pouring your complicated emotions onto the page will help you to make sense of them, allowing you to effectively communicate how you feel to your partner.
While there are many medical reasons for a low libido, I’ve chosen to focus on the subtler, least talked-about contributors in the hope that it will empower you to release the idea that you are broken or ‘not enough’ and grow curious about the legitimate factors behind your low sex drive.
With understanding, respect and compassion, low libido can be transformed into a catalyst for deep and lasting change in your relationship with both yourself and your partner.
Geordie Bull is a wellness journalist and coach for mothers who are ready to become the leaders of their own lives through inner work. Read more of her articles at geordiebull.com.au or connect with her on Instagram or Facebook @geordiebullcoaching.
