As his tears subside, you acknowledge why he was angry. You tell him that anger is always okay, but you expect him to tell you in words when he’s angry – never by hurting someone’s body. You ask him what he could have said to express his anger, and you reflect it back to him solemnly: “So you were mad because…..? I hear you”.
After he’s calm, you ask him what he could do to help Daddy feel better. You give him a chance to redeem himself, to become a good person in his own mind, the kind of person who is able to control his anger so he doesn’t hurt other people. This transformation would be unlikely if he were removed to the thinking spot, because he would sit there isolated like a criminal, hardening his heart. But he has been in the middle of the emergency, as one of the helpers, so his heart is open. He feels your kindness, and also your firmness. He feels safe to show you all the fear behind his anger. Once he expresses all those feelings, they evaporate, and stop driving his behaviour.
He feels your kindness, and also your firmness. He feels safe to show you all the fear behind his anger.
What has your son learned?
- Throwing things can badly hurt someone.
- I WANT to control myself better next time so this never happens again.
- Feelings don’t have to be an emergency if you don’t act on them.
- Mum and Dad understand my big feelings and can help me with them. When I trust them to help me, I feel so much better.
- I am capable of hurting someone badly, and I never want to do that.
- I am capable of making things better, of repairing rifts, of making things right when I make a mistake.
Maybe most important, instead of feeling like he has crossed a line that leaves him disconnected, beyond the love of his parents, he has learned that he is loved unconditionally. His parents didn’t give up on him. They know that at core he is good, and wants to “do right,” and they never stopped believing in him. That belief will strengthen his belief in his own goodness, and help him grow into your trust. Because the healing miracle of unconditional love is that there is no line. There is only love.
Originally published here.
Dr. Laura Markham is the founder of PeacefulParentHappyKids.com and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings and her latest book, the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook.
