- It takes a village, except when the villagers are all too nice.
The author feels that a trip to the playground should carry with it a mandatory contract that reads, “If you see another kid being an asshole, don’t hesitate. Say something.” Gah. Again with the calling kids assholes. So here’s the thing: There seems to be a false dichotomy that states that there are exactly two ways for parenting (and by extension, society) to operate. 1) Parents are “mean”, children behave, and there is order and harmony in all the land. Or 2) Parents are too nice (ie: pushovers) children run wild, and chaos and bedlam reign supreme. But there are other options. Yup, sometimes it really does take a village. And yup, sometimes a trip to the playground does require intervention involving another child and/or another parent. I have been there. But I’ve never met a situation that couldn’t be at least a little more quickly diffused, a little more softened, a little more pleasant for all involved… by being nice. I don’t care who you are, young or old. God knows we could use a little more “nice.”
- Kids will suck the nice right out of you. Let them.
We’re not born with a finite amount of “nice.” If we are treating our kids kindly from a genuine place of love and respect (and not, for example, from a misplaced sense of martyrdom or insecurity), we literally never run out of niceness. No one can suck it out of us. No one can take it away. In fact, it’s one of those emotional muscles that actually increases the more we use it. I’ve been a parent for over 20 years, and I still manage to be nice to my kids. I think I’ll even be able to be nice to them tomorrow. Crazy! (But true.) Even crazier? My kids are nice to me, too!
- I refuse to raise little manipulators.
Oof. Listen, it’s not that I think kids are perfect (they’re human), and it’s not that I don’t think kids – past a certain age – can’t manipulate (again, they’re human). It’s just that 1) being nice to your kids doesn’t turn them into manipulators; 2) being mean doesn’t preclude it – in fact I think it increases the odds exponentially; 3) children, like all of us, tend to behave as well as they are treated; and 4) calling kids manipulators (and brats and assholes etcera) is tired and uncool and contributing to the problem. Not solving it. Look at it this way: if someone was assuming the worst about you and calling you a name, would you be more or less likely to act pleasantly toward that person in the future?
- Still want to be cool? Just wait until you’re the grandmother.
Nope, it’s not about being cool. Not even a little bit. It’s not about being liked. It’s not even about being nice. It’s about something far simpler. It’s about treating my kids the way I’d like to be treated. At the end of the day, I wouldn’t like it very much if an important person in my life measured their relational success against how mean they were to me.
In fact, I’d actually appreciate the opposite.
Originally published on The Path Less Taken. Jennifer McGrail is a homeschooling, gentle mama of four in Phoenix. Follow her on Facebook for more great wisdom.
