If you’ve been bribing children (example: a sticker for every good behaviour, discussed with an expert here), switch to an end-of-day reward, and eventually to a weekly “thank you” of some sort. Proceed onto intangible rewards, such as a special trip to the movies. You can still tie the event to whatever behaviour the reward was attached previously.
From there, you can scale back to verbal appreciation — which frankly, is a wonderful way to communicate gratitude. For some children, “words of affirmation” are exactly the love language they need to feel motivated in the first place.
If you know the five love languages and are wondering where “gifts” play in, they still can.
The trick is to offer gifts for the sake of gifts; not as a result of so-called good behaviour.
Is verbally rewarding behavior enough, or is that another form of bribing children?
There are many ways to express gratitude. However, particularly for young children who live their entire lives “in the moment,” a genuine smile and sincere word of thanks are a lot more meaningful than a promise of a reward (which they might forget to associate with the behaviour you sought in the first place).
Or worse, you might find yourself in an otherwise avoidable tantrum situation for not providing the reward fast enough–and then all your work will have gone out the window.
Expressing sincere gratitude fosters connection-based relationships with our children
Rather than bribing children with tangible items, these words work well for all ages. Remember to praise effort rather than result (it’s better for their long-term self worth) and include specifics in your description.
- “I appreciate you helping me with x!”
- “You worked so hard on x tonight.”
- “I’m proud of you for trying x.”
- “Thank you for x!”
We don’t want to overcompensate with too many verbal affirmations, though, or like all things, they’ll lose their value. Offer praise and gratitude for the things that matter. (By golly, please don’t praise a child for “good hopping” or “good playing,” because those are just what kids do naturally.) Lest we overthink it, we can relax. Express gratitude to kids like you would to anyone else.
Be genuine about it and just make sure to do it when it’s right–you know, perhaps when bribing children might’ve been there previously.
Is it really that easy? Just express gratitude?
Yes. It is.
It can take time to change (perhaps with some growing pains) if you’ve been doing something else, but it really can be this easy.
What about bribing children for potty success and the other “standard” life skills we teach?
This short video covers the details of how to successfully help kids learn to use the potty without bribes or rewards. Suffice it to say for now that bribing children isn’t necessary even for things like that. No child needs a sticker / a chocolate / a toy or special privilege to do that which the body does naturally.
You’re not a bad parent if you reward your children sometimes
There are situations where it’s fine to reward kids in traditional ways. If I can return to my gelato analogy from above, it’s healthier if I don’t eat it (or, in this case, use rewards as incentives). It’s fine if I do eat gelato sometimes — I just don’t rely on it as a staple of my diet. And if I can choose a better option every time, terrific.
I will add, however, that it’s absolutely possible to raise happy, healthy, well adjusted people without bribing children. I’ve done it and am still doing it. I never started parenting with rewards so staying the course now comes naturally.
What happens when kids get older?
We all work for pay cheques (except those of us who work for the sake of love or passion, right)? True. However, I don’t know a single person who doesn’t want to enjoy their work; to feel intrinsically motivated to do it.
That brings me back to those of us who are working for love or passion. We do things because they bring us joy; because we want to (even on the hard days). That’s exactly what we’re trying to instil in our children, starting here.
Sarah R. Moore is an internationally published writer and the founder of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting. You can follow her on Facebook, Pinterest, and Instagram. She’s currently worldschooling her family. Her glass is half full.
